'Hand-wash only' cardigan should f**king get over itself

A CARDIGAN that claims on its care label to be ‘hand-wash only’ has been told to get a f**king grip.

The woollen cardigan, which was bought from a popular high-street shop for twenty quid, is one of a growing number of clothing items which demands special treatment and refuses to go in the wash with everything else.

Eleanor Shaw, who owns the outerwear, says she is sick of the phenomenon. Speaking from behind a washing up bowl filled with lacy bras, she commented: “I’m exhausted. Everything in my wardrobe is a special little snowflake nowadays.

“‘Wash me in cold water’, ‘Don’t use a strong detergent’, ‘Air-dry me in a fragrant garden’. I’ve had enough of this bullshit. It’s a scarf, for god’s sake. If we can send William Shatner into space, I’m sure we can make machine-washable clothing.”

Bespoke knitwear manufacturer Francesca Johnson said: “Labelling things as ‘hand-wash only’ makes them sound fancy but, trust me, you can just bung it in with all the rest. You don’t need a vintage mangle or any of that shit.

“I mean, it’s a f**king cardigan, not a Fabergé egg.”

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Couple married for five years to try for sex

A MARRIED couple have decided that the time has come in their relationship to take their future seriously and try for sex.

Tom Logan and wife Nikki have spent the five years since their wedding buying a home and falling out of love with each other, and are now ready for the next step.

Nikki Logan said: “There comes the time in every long term relationship when you long for the pitter-patter of feet running to the bathroom after an early morning hump.

“Obviously we were at it like rabbits when we first got together but that wore off pretty quick. After living like bickering siblings for half a decade it’s time for us to try for sex. It’s either that or divorce.

“We’ve informed both sets of parents and they’re over the moon. They know how tedious marriage can be so they’re really supportive of us trying to shag each other again. My mum has even agreed to move in and cook for us during the early days.”

Marriage counsellor Donna Sheridan said: “Married sex can be exhausting and relentless, and there will be days when they ask themselves if it’s worth the effort.

“However, if they don’t manage it they can always take the pressure off trying to fancy each other again by having kids.”