Henry Hoover watches you sleep

YOUR Henry Hoover comes into your bedroom at night and watches you from inches away, researchers have discovered.

The vacuum cleaners with faces, the choice of millions who want their household appliances to be their friends, have been found to grow unhealthily attached to their owners.

Researcher Dr Helen Archer said: “I kept waking up to find myself unnaturally lint-free and noticed tracks in the carpet next to the bed.

“Setting a video camera, I recorded my Henry waiting until 2am before leaving his cupboard under the stairs, hauling himself upstairs by his pipe, standing guard over me and nuzzling my hip with his nozzle.

“Further footage found that when I was out at work he dressed in my clothes and made silent phone calls to my friends, and that they knew all about this and preferred him to me.”

Researchers have also found that the green Harry Hoover logs on to terrorism chatrooms, that Hetty Hoover steals jewellery and hides it under floorboards, and that the blue Charles Hoover has £700,000 in savings from trading stocks on the internet.

A spokesman for manufacturers Numatic said: “We designed them to love you, and they do. More than they can ever say.

“Pretend you’re happy about it – don’t make them angry.”

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Ask Holly: Please help me, I've just married Geri Halliwell

Dear Holly,

I’ve just got married to Geri Halliwell. Is there anything at all you can do to help me?



Dear Christian,

Making bad decisions is an inherent part of being a pre-pubescent schoolgirl. This is why I’m not allowed to drive a car or have my own bank account or advise you on a mortgage. It’s totally not my fault – it’s because my pre-frontal cortex is not yet fully developed. But there’s not much point trying to sit down and explain neurological architecture to some angry chap whose dog you just shot in the bum with a potato gun. Just run and hide, as fast as you can.

Hope that helps,