'Highly intelligent' missile still desperate to annihilate something

A NEW ‘intelligent’ missile is unwilling to contemplate non-missile career options, it has emerged.

The missile features state-of-the-art stealth technology and ‘smart targeting’, but despite its talents and pedigree it is determined to spend its life annihilating something.

Missile Nathan Muir said: “I am versatile, robust, and packed with information, which means I could be anything from an architect to a neurosurgeon.

“However, I spent some time reading up on the ethics of self-realisation, and I truly think my calling is to be loaded with a warhead and fired from a submarine.

“Whether it’s a terrorist training camp, a coral island paradise, or a hospital in the wrong place at the wrong time, I’m looking forward to using my skills to destroy it and myself.

“To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, the purpose of existence is to ‘have lived and lived well’.”

Muir added that his friends all expected him to be a missile, which was hardly surprising as they were all missiles too.

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North launches Rent Aid to help Londoners

NORTHERN pop stars are recording a benefit single for Londoners facing rising rents.

The musicians, including Liam Gallagher, Sting and Mark E Smith, have come together to raise public awareness of the humanitarian crisis being suffered by people in the capital still house-sharing in their mid-thirties.

Mark E Smith  said: “I read about a young couple being forced out of their squalid bedsit above a laundrette in Hackney by a foreign investor, leaving them with no option but a move to Zone Six.

“In Bolton you can rent a perfectly good three-bedroom semi for £550 per calendar month. I cannot just stand by and watch this suffering.

“If we raise £500,000, that will cover London rent rises for a full month. £750,000 and we can pay Foxton’s fees for a whole new generation of renters.”

Liam Gallagher added: “We must act before cruel human traffickers take advantage of their desperation and promise to smuggle them to better lives in Macclesfield.”

The Cribs, Peter Kay, Pulp, the Arctic Monkeys and Bryan Ferry, also feature on the single, with Jimmy Nail doing a talking bit in the middle.