How to waste your life making pointless YouTube videos

DO you feel an inexplicable need to start your own YouTube channel for your amateurish, unwatched videos? Why not try failing to attract an audience in these popular genres? 

Video of your pet with no apparent point to them

Not your dog doing something funny like falling off a stepladder. Instead just shaky footage of it wandering out of the room, or similar. Why? WHY did you upload that?

Slagging off geek properties for including women and/or non-whites

The men who did this first have made a great deal of money simply by claiming any superhero or sci-fi show that acknowledges changes in society since 1953 is the work of social justice warriors and feminazis. But, even if you’re just as ugly and inadequate as them, that bandwagon’s gone.

Dreary Brexit videos

Usually pro-Brexit, with you repeating cliches about ‘sovereignty and ‘unelected bureaucrats’ everyone has heard a trillion times. Or anti-Brexit, the same but with ‘Russian money’ and ‘second referendum’. Do not add graphics or video that might distract from you staring tediously at the camera. Maintain the purity of your artistic vision.

Your collection of easily obtained things

Antique firearms or Buck Rogers action figures have a historical or nostalgia value. Not so a bunch of Burt’s Bees skincare products. Somehow it doesn’t feel as though you’ve carefully curated this priceless collection when you can get it for 15 quid in Boots.

Desperately contrived attempt to create a brand

Shit content? Try calling yourself ‘The Angriest Film Critic’, ‘Lazy Mom Chef’ or ‘The Reggae DIY Man’.

Something unfathomably random

Perhaps you feel some old Simpsons clips would benefit from their audio being replaced by Metallica’s Enter Sandman? Don’t worry about getting zero views, the next one is bound to go viral.

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Teenager wants to tell you how good Kurt Cobain was

AN awestruck 15-year-old is breathlessly telling everyone how incredible Kurt Cobain was and what a terrible loss his death was. 

Tom Logan, who first discovered the music of Nirvana three months ago and has since watched two documentaries and read one graphic novel about their frontman urgently needs the world to understand Cobain’s genius.

He said: “A lot of people, especially if they’re in their 40s, might never have heard of a band like Nirvana because they grew up with the Beatles or Elvis or whoever.

“But if they heard something like Nevermind it would totally blow them away. It’s so raw and real. It actually launched a whole movement called grunge. That’s how influential it was.

“Probably they don’t know that Cobain committed suicide, or if they did know once they’ve forgotten, which is actually one of the reasons I’m fascinated with him.

“Little known fact: Dave Grohl, the lead singer of the Foo Fighters, was actually Nirvana’s drummer! Bet that surprised you.”

Teacher Helen Archer said: “I now realise what I was like when I discovered Jim Morrison in 1991, and I am profoundly sorry.”