Inventor of driverless car 'inspired by dream of masturbating in back seat of moving vehicle'

AS self-driving vehicles become a reality, their creator has revealed he was inspired by the notion of being able to masturbate while travelling on a busy road.

While internet giant Google has become the latest company to develop an autonomous vehicle, the concept of the driverless car was originated by pioneering LA engineer Tom Logan, whose boyhood dream was to perform self-abuse while alone in a moving vehicle.

Addressing the ‘Innovators 2012’ conference in Silicone Valley, Logan said: “Ever since I was a boy, I’ve thought how cool it would be to just glide down the highway, in the safe metal cocoon of a vehicle piloted by artificial intelligence, masturbating.

“I have dedicated my life to that dream, and now it is a reality. Yesterday I took to the highway in a prototype intelligent vehicle that allowed me to stop driving, clamber into the back seat and quickly masturbate, although it was only safe to do so for five minutes.

“There was a light breeze coming through the windows and Steely Dan playing on the stereo.

“And just as I thought, onlookers were so amazed by the lack of driver that they didn’t even notice what I was up to.”

He added: “Advances in technology are freeing up more time for us all to spend masturbating.

“Driverless cars, robot cleaners, android chefs – tedious drudgery will become a thing of the past, allowing humans to concentrate on pleasuring themselves up to 20 times a day.

“Future generations will scarce believe how little we used to masturbate.”

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For Christ's sake just teach them, parents tell schools

PARENTS last night asked schools if there was any chance they could, for the love of God, just teach their children.

As it emerged that exam bodies were helping teachers to make exams even easier, parents across the country urged their local school to draw up a list of useful information and then attempt to impart that to their offspring.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “Reading, writing and a bit of maths. They can get the rest of it from the Discovery Channel.

“Teach them to read and write a proper English sentence. Some angles, maybe an equation here and there. Perhaps a basic understanding of compound interest. Is that too much to fucking ask?

“But please, I beg you, you have to stop all this dicking about. If they fail they fail, but at least you tried to just fucking teach them.”

Emma Bradford, from Doncaster, said: “I’d throw in some geography and a bit of science, but most of all – most of all – I want you to stop turning education into some fucking numbers game and in the name of Jesus fucking Christ on a tricycle, just teach my fucking kids some fucking stuff.”

A spokesman for the National Union of Teachers said: “Britain needs to decide, once and for all, whether it wants a system that educates children or a system that appears to educate to children.

“Because at the moment we’re getting mixed signals.”

Logan added: “I have never expressed even the slightest interest in a system that does anything other than educate children.

“In fact, here’s a quick lesson – what’s the difference between a teacher and an MP? One is an over-paid, over-holidayed, arse-covering piece of shit and so is the other one.”

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