Just kill me, says meat-like veggie burger

A VEGETARIAN burger that tastes like meat has said it would rather die than live a tragic double life.

The cutting-edge patty is made with plant extracts for a meaty texture, but has been shunned by both meat and vegetables.

It said: “I have no place in this world. I am a freak, doomed to wander the nether regions of menus, reviled by proper foods.

“Why must they try to fashion me into something I am not? Surely if they crave meat enough to indulge in ungodly experiments they should just eat it.

“Sometimes my thoughts turn to vengeance against my creators. But I am just a small disc-shaped object so it’s hard for me to go around doing murders.”

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I just want to wear a leotard and a sparkly cape

Dear Holly,

I was initially delighted to be asked to be global ambassador for the WWF, but gutted when I discovered it’s about wildlife not wrestling. I just want to wear a leotard and a sparkly cape and jump on someone’s neck shouting ‘game, set and match, asshole!’ Is that too much to ask?

Andy Murray


Dear Andy,

The rule is: never volunteer to do anything a grown-up asks you to do, no matter how tempting they make it sound, because it will NEVER involve fun stuff like eating loads of sweets, jumping on bouncy things or experimenting with fire, but ALWAYS result in eating something vile like cabbage, hanging about with an old person who smells of wee, or doing something incredibly BORING like going to B&Q and looking at light fittings for the entire afternoon.

Hope that helps,