Life on Mars ‘will be shite’, say scientists

SCIENTISTS have finally confirmed that life on Mars will be crappy little bacteria with no ray guns.

Following the discovery of an underground ‘lake’ on the fourth planet, boffins have told the public it is probably not worth following their work with interest anymore.

Astrophysicist Dr Helen Archer said: “We might – stressing the ‘might’ – find evidence of a microbe that consumes metal salts in about 30 years, so HG Wells was talking out of his arse.

“However I can tell you with 100% certainty we won’t find any underground cities of unimaginable technological advancement. You’ll have to rent Total Recall for that.

“There are definitely no massed invasion forces as we’d dearly hoped. Nor are there spiritually advanced beings spreading cosmic enlightenment or naked green chicks with three boobs.

“There’s fuck all there basically. Mainly it’s rocks, and they’re not even that red. We make them look more interesting with Photoshop.”

However UFO conspiracy buff Nathan Muir said: “This is clearly another cover-up of the Greys’ underground human-hybrid clone factories. Mars is fascinating, if you make a load of shit up.”