Light sleepers told to grow the f**k up

DELICATE little flowers who claim they are woken by the slightest thing have been instructed to get over themselves.

Scientists remain baffled as to how light-sleeping genes have survived so long, despite being so tedious both for the sleeper and for anyone who has to hear them complain.

Heavy sleeper Tom Logan said: “A girlfriend once told me she woke up in the middle of the night because she heard someone shut a car door on the street, and she couldn’t get back to sleep.

“We broke up soon after. I can’t commit to a woman with the sleeping habits of a nervous cat.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “I can sleep through any alarm, be it from my phone, car or a fire safety system.

“I once slept through a muster drill on a ferry and had to be shaken awake by two members of the P & O crew. That’s how deep sleep should be”.