Light sleepers told to grow the f**k up

DELICATE little flowers who claim they are woken by the slightest thing have been instructed to get over themselves.

Scientists remain baffled as to how light-sleeping genes have survived so long, despite being so tedious both for the sleeper and for anyone who has to hear them complain.

Heavy sleeper Tom Logan said: “A girlfriend once told me she woke up in the middle of the night because she heard someone shut a car door on the street, and she couldn’t get back to sleep.

“We broke up soon after. I can’t commit to a woman with the sleeping habits of a nervous cat.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “I can sleep through any alarm, be it from my phone, car or a fire safety system.

“I once slept through a muster drill on a ferry and had to be shaken awake by two members of the P&O crew. That’s how deep sleep should be.”

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Trump's top adviser is little kid who talks bollocks

DONALD Trump’s closest adviser is a small boy who is the biggest bullshitter in his school, it has emerged.

10-year-old aide Nathan Muir, who claims his dad has a Ferrari, is believed to be behind claims of a Swedish terror attack.

A White House insider said: “Nathan has totally captivated the president with wild claims about beating a crocodile in a fight and how he’s already seen the new Star Wars film even though it hasn’t been made yet.

“Even for a little kid he talks a lot of shite.

“He’s convinced Donald that Transformers is a documentary. It’s a worry.

“Every night they’re up late in the White House, discussing aliens and drinking shitloads of Fanta.”

Muir, who also claims his mum let him watch Saw 4 when he was seven, said: “My dad is a secret agent and he told me that Iran has a secret army of man-monkeys called humanzees. He showed me a picture but you can’t see it because it got deleted by accident.”

Donald Trump later tweeted: “I will protect American bananas from the hairy hand of the humanzee.”