Little shits playing music on bus fully aware it is annoying

TEENAGE bastards playing music on a bus are fully aware that it is annoying everyone else, it has emerged.

Tom Booker, 15, and his friend appear to be merely inconsiderate but are actually getting a massive pathetic thrill from the pointless antagonistic situation.

He said: “So far no one has suggested turning off the tinny dirge coming from my phone, which is obviously a huge victory for me.

“I have successfully demonstrated I will not be fucked with by an elderly female pensioner, several glum office workers and a harassed mum with a crying baby. I am the king of the bus.

“The best thing is the way people want to say something but can’t pluck up the courage. Imagining how they must despise themselves just makes my fiendish mind games all the more delicious.

“If confronted I would actually just use one of my hilarious put-downs, such as muttering ‘prick’.”

He added: “If you’re white provincial teenagers from a village near Worcester it’s traditional to pretend you’re an intimidating street gang.”

Booker’s music was later abruptly turned off when a large Polish builder sat near him.

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Screwfix introduces dress code

HARDWARE and building supplies retailer Screwfix has introduced a ‘sexy and stylish’ dress code.

The UK’s largest supplier of trade tools will refuse entry to customers who are not looking totally fabulous.

A spokesman said: “The Screwfix vision was always to create a shamelessly elitist haven for the beautiful people of the DIY and building scenes.

“Unfortunately many of our customers fail to make the grade in terms of personal style or physical beauty. We demand more, and that’s why Screwfix is introducing door pickers to exclude anyone who is less than an ‘eight-point-five’.

“If you want access to high-end products like the MK 13-A double plug socket, plus the effortlessly witty banter of our staff, you have to work for it. And yes, that includes ‘Click & Collect’ customers.”

Screwfix’s tough new door policy came into effect this weekend when model and TV presenter Jodie Kidd was turned away from its Bristol store.

Assistant manager Roy Hobbs said: “Apart from being strictly C list, Jodie was wearing jeans and we only permit vintage workwear. If we’re not sure about someone we might ask them a couple of questions about rawl plugs but in this case it was a firm ‘no’.”

However builder Wayne Hayes said: “They’ve gone totally up their own arses since winning the 2015 Trade Supply Award at a lavish dinner in Kettering.”