Dad breaks 10-hour silence to recommend using the M69

A FATHER did not say a word during a 10-hour family visit until telling his daughter to use the M69 on the way home.

Carolyn Ryan’s 64-year-old father Pat remained silent throughout the introduction of her new boyfriend, a family meal, the arrival of her brother David, a second family meal and a family argument before suddenly speaking when she put on her coat to leave.

She said: “I’d forgotten he was there, then when I said I’d probably go via Nuneaton to miss the M6 traffic, he said ‘At this time of night?’.

“‘No,’ he said, as if he’d known I was there the whole time, ‘you want to go up the M69, great bit of road the M69, then get on the M1 up to the A50. Never any trouble on the A50’.

“My boyfriend suggested leaving the M69 for the A5, and Dad said that would have been alright before they ‘built the bloody retail park up Tamworth’.”

She added: “It felt like they really bonded during their discussion of how ‘shithouse’ the A523 is, even though ‘idiots’ think it’ll be a short cut.”

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Typical glass of British tap water now 70 per cent ham

ORDINARY British tap water is now mostly ham, experts have confirmed.

The Institute of Studies found that with most forms of ham being 70 per cent water, it was now also the same the other way around.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our tests were pretty conclusive. There is definitely more ham in there than you realise. In fizzy water it’s closer to 80 per cent.

“And you probably don’t want to know how much we found in flavoured water. Especially the pork flavoured water.”

Water expert, Emma Bradford, added: “As a vegetarian I’m against this, but what am I going to do? Not drink water? I’d die you fool.”