A COUPLE who thought giving each other massages would be ‘sexy’ have been left traumatised by the experience.
Nathan Muir and his girlfriend Emma Bradshaw enjoyed a romantic evening and a candlelit dinner, but things took a darker turn when they retired to the bedroom for a sensual back rub.
Bradshaw said: “Obviously I’ve seen Nathan naked loads and had sex with him and everything, but I’ve never seen him splayed out on the bed like a flaccid white dolphin before.
“However, I love him, so I gave it my best shot. I poured oil on him and rubbed it into his back, but it was more like smearing grease onto a cold pork joint before you put it into the oven rather than an incredibly erotic experience.
“Also, there’s seems to be something about massage oil that really highlights the amount of hair on someone’s body, and the weird places they have it. He looked like a wet, balding gorilla by the end.”
Muir said: “By the time she’d finished I felt thoroughly dehumanised. I gave her a cursory rubdown in return, then we went and watched telly in silence for several hours.”
He added: “We will never speak of it again.”