Line for Apple Watch girdles Earth

THE queue for the new Apple Watch has already circled the entire globe once and is still growing.

The line, which began on stage behind Apple CEO Tim Cook before he had finished his presentation, stretches 25,000 miles and contains an estimated 18,750,000 people, all of who believe that having the watch will really set them apart from the crowd.

Before Cook introduced U2 the queue already included the entire population of California and was extending, via homemade rafts, into the Pacific Ocean where it would shortly meet a similar line coming from Japan.

Tech blogger Francesca Johnson said: “I can’t believe I’m only 14,383,221 in line for the Apple Watch.

“Yes I’m a bit hungry, but a guy up ahead in Mongolia’s going out for breakfast and we’ve agreed to save his place if he brings a couple of million croissants back.”

The queue has so far mainly been peaceful, apart from the war between China and North Korea after Kim Jong-Un tried to push in.


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Queen ‘would be interested in Scotland if it was a horse’

THE Queen is not particularly interested in Scotland because she is unable to ride it.

Amid calls for the Queen to stop Scottish independence with her bare hands, Buckingham Palace said that if it was not about horses ‘you may as well be speaking Klingon’.

A spokesman said: “We could ask her, sure, but she would just shrug and then go back to rubbing some leather.

“You need to create the illusion that ‘Scotland’ is a beautiful stallion and Her Majesty must intervene before it is sold to her Arabian nemesis.”

David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband immediately volunteered to be a horse, or play the part of a simple but intuitive stable boy who reckons ‘Scotland’ is the ‘best he’s ever seen’.

The Palace spokesman added: “Like most people of her age, she really doesn’t care about other humans anymore.”