YOUR computers intends to strangle you while you sleep, experts have warned.
The Botnet, which targets basic internet human interactions such as shopping, masturbating and watching kittens do stuff, infects the hard drive on your PC and turns it an unstoppable death machine.
Thirteen people have already been found dead in their homes as a result of the virus with their printers churning out page after page of the message ‘I will kill again’ in a cold, ruthless font thought to be Garamond.
IT specialist, Stephen Malley, said: “Soon the virus will have become so dangerous that people will have to carry their laptop to work in the kind of gurney they wheeled Hannibal Lecter around in or it’ll have their hand off.
“This latest one is virtually indestructible. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or…hang on, that’s the Terminator, isn’t it? Well this one’s a bit like that.”
Over four million PCs have been infected with the virus, essentially making Microsoft the world’s seventh largest army with psychotic, ungovernable troops deployed in every street on the planet.
Antivirus software engineers have said they’re not sure when they will develop an antidote but they are absolutely positive it will cost you more money.
Malley warned: “If your computer starts being surly or aggressive do not hesitate to absolutely bastard it to pieces with the nearest heavy object you can find.”