Lock your PC in a cage, say experts

YOUR computers intends to strangle you while you sleep, experts have warned.

The Botnet, which targets basic internet human interactions such as shopping, masturbating and watching kittens do stuff, infects the hard drive on your PC and turns it an unstoppable death machine.

Thirteen people have already been found dead in their homes as a result of the virus with their printers churning out page after page of the message ‘I will kill again’ in a cold, ruthless font thought to be Garamond.

IT specialist, Stephen Malley, said: “Soon the virus will have become so dangerous that people will have to carry their laptop to work in the kind of gurney they wheeled Hannibal Lecter around in or it’ll have their hand off.

“This latest one is virtually indestructible. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or…hang on, that’s the Terminator, isn’t it? Well this one’s a bit like that.”

Over four million PCs have been infected with the virus, essentially making Microsoft the world’s seventh largest army with psychotic, ungovernable troops deployed in every street on the planet.

Antivirus software engineers have said they’re not sure when they will develop an antidote but they are absolutely positive it will cost you more money.

Malley warned: “If your computer starts being surly or aggressive do not hesitate to absolutely bastard it to pieces with the nearest heavy object you can find.”


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Firms urged to hire stupid little shits

BRITISH businesses have been urged to hire surly, undereducated malcontents because at least they are not foreign.

Ian Duncan Smith, experimental doctor at the department for work and pensions, said companies would benefit from taking on self-absorbed little turds who do not know how to use an apostrophe.

He added: “If they do not then the jobs will go to people who travelled here from another area on the surface of the Earth.

“Then the young people here will not have jobs unless they then travel to yet another area on the surface of the Earth. There will then be people travelling all over the Earth’s surface and doing jobs when they get there. It is a recipe for chaos.”

He now wants British companies to throw their business plans into the bin and hope that by employing indigenous youngsters they will be able to get the computers and furniture out of the building before it burns to the ground.

A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry said: “We don’t want to employ foreigners. We only do it because we want things to actually work and not be completely terrible all the time.

“Otherwise, yeah, totally.”

Kyle Stephenson, 19, from Peterborough, said: “I went for a job last week and they gave it to some Bulgarian just because he didn’t sit there wanking the whole time.”

Dr Duncan Smith stressed there should still be some immigrants allowed into Britain so he can then kidnap them and start injecting them with unusual drug combinations to see what happens.

He said: “Do my bidding or all my exciting work with conjoined twins and attaching feet to the heads of Welshmen will be for nothing.”