Lost hour would have been incredible

BRITONS lost what would have been their greatest hour over the weekend.

Time analyst Emma Bradford said: “By the end of Sunday everything was in perfect alignment – the stars and the planet were on the cusp of the most potent astrological position ever, meaning spiritual and creative revelations on an unprecedented scale.

“That hour would have been nothing like any of your life up until that moment. It would have given meaning to your otherwise pointless existence, so it’s a real shame we had to skip it.”

Freedom of Information requests into the content of the lost hour confirmed it would have been extraordinary.

Accounts assistant Tom Logan said: “Apparently I would have become a kind of god and astrally projected onto the peak of Mount Everest.

“It’s a bummer really because most of the time I just work in an office and the best bit is when I go for a fag.”

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Farage’s Purple Revolution intended as sequel to Color Purple

NIGEL Farage has revealed the original version of his new book was about African-American lesbians.

The UKIP leader said he had intended The Purple Revolution to be a continuation of Alice Walker’s 1982 novel The Color Purple, until publishers forced him to reconsider.

Farage said: “I first read the The Color Purple when I was a commodities trader. I instantly connected with these downtrodden women who were coping with sexism, racism and homophobia from a load of boorish idiots.

“So when I was approached to write a book, my first thought was, ‘At last – this is my chance to continue Celie and Nettie’s journey’.”

He added: “I set my story in the heady, acid-fuelled late Sixties. Celie’s granddaughter is now a militant feminist Black Panther, dividing her time between kicking the shit out of straight white men and breastfeeding her adopted baby in public.

“However, my publishers expressed concern that my UKIP experience was being somewhat eclipsed by the over-arching black lesbian narrative. The only thing they liked was the title.

“I went home, deleted the whole thing and churned out a load of old shit about immigration and my wonky testicles.”