Man teaching his new phone how to swear

A MAN is teaching his new iPhone an extensive vocabulary of swear words. 

Tom Booker, from Hatfield, stressed that teaching the phone’s autocorrect that you do not want to say ‘ducking’ means you can send a quick, accurate message the next time you are stuck in fucking traffic.

He said: “And it’s not just ‘ducking’. ‘Duck’, ‘ducked’, ‘ducker’, ‘mother funster’, you’ll need them all sooner or later.

“Likewise, it’s best to teach your phone that you never mean ‘shiv’, that you always mean ‘arse’ and that ‘bastard’ is a great deal more common than ‘bastardised’.

“Though that one can be useful to the more advanced swearer. For example if your local boozer becomes a gastropub.”

Booker added: “When I type in the c-word, autocorrect does suggest ‘vintage vinyl’, which is interesting.”

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Mum's email account hacked again

A MOTHER has had her email account hacked for the 14th time this month.

Mary Fisher, who has taken a computer course at her local library and also has a Facebook account, insisted she has no idea how it keeps happening.

She said: “I like to sign up for things, good causes and the like, so I have to give my email address out to some people. Well, to pretty much anyone who asks for it.

“And I use ‘password’ as my password, but only because it’s easy to remember.”

Fisher’s son Ian said: “One of these days she will actually be held hostage in Thailand and in desperate need of quick finances and I’ll just ignore it.”

Mrs Fisher added: “Why would anyone want to hack me? It’s not like they can get the keys to the car from hacking my emails.

“Can they?”