Britons buying six weeks of supplies for single day shops are shut

THE UK is buying in six weeks’ worth of groceries to get them through Easter Sunday when all supermarkets are closed. 

Supermarkets are expecting record business as families fill at least two trolleys to fend off the grim spectre of starvation over the coming three days.

Stephen Malley of Harrogate said: “The supermarkets are closed on Sunday. Not just reduced hours. Fully closed.

“And Monday’s a bank holiday too. It’s going to be like The Road, where only the ruthless survive and the living envy the dead.

“Better get another six three-litre bottles of milk. I don’t want to be without a cup of tea when it happens.”

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Britain’s only observer of Lent in chocolate disaster

THE only person in Britain who still does Lent is in the midst of a savage chocolate frenzy.

Julian Cook, 34, from Stevenage, is devouring Creme Eggs in one gulp and making ‘chocolate sandwiches’ out of two Wispas and a Lion Bar.

Cook’s wife Alison said: “He’s been invading local Easter egg hunts and pushing tiny children out the way just for a bag of Mini-Eggs.

“Then he takes them to his shed and slams the door shut. You would not believe the noises. My God.”

Mrs Cook added: “He is the Destroyer.”