Man who put wet iPhone in bowl of rice sad to find rice isn't magic

A MAN’S attempt to revive an iPhone dropped in a sink by placing it in rice has sadly failed because rice is not magic. 

Wayne Hayes, aged 35, dried and placed his drenched iPhone 6S in a bag of rice then patiently waited for it to come alive again, with all the faith of Elliott in E.T.

He said: “It’s not doing anything. What’s wrong?

“I thought by now some kind of blue wispy energy would be spiralling out into the rice which would glow at first red then dim as it absorbed all the bad water, by the power of rice.

“Instead it’s just sitting there, off, as if its delicate internal workings are full of washing up liquid and bits of egg, and it’s a tiny and incredibly complex computer and rice is just a simple starchy grain.

“It felt like arcane wisdom passed down for generations. Reverently put the book of all knowledge within the sacred rice and the evil juices would be withdrawn by some incredible sorcery.

“But did it work? Did it bollocks. I fished it out in the morning and it was still completely dead. But there is now rice in the charging socket.”

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What should I be a pr*ck about next? by Piers Morgan

WHEN you’re a top breakfast TV presenter like me, it’s not always easy to know who or what to pour scorn on next. Here’s how I carefully choose subjects: 

Very obvious targets

I feel I’ve done the world a great service by pointing out that the universally hated paedophile Jeffrey Epstein was a bad person. It’s this kind of fearless investigative journalism that makes me Britain’s moral compass.

Meghan Markle

Did you know I met Meghan Markle once, and we had one chat in a pub, and after that she met Harry and never called me again? And to me that is betrayal of a close friend and I feel just like her father feels, only more so? This one’s from the heart.

Female guests

If a female guest comes on, they may be half-heartedly trying to promote something but really they’re up at 7.15am to flirt. I love a few saucy quips with the likes of Geri Halliwell or Carol Vorderman. GMB viewers definitely like it when I’m creepily coming on to a woman while they’re having their breakfast.

Climate change protesters and vegans

These holier-than-thou f**kwits need taking down a peg or two. That’s not just my opinion – millions of reactionary old b*stards on Twitter agree. Ask yourself, what does Greta Thunberg’s fanatical, dead-eyed stare remind you of? That’s right. A 16-year-old Swedish Adolf Hitler.

Anyone who damages my massive ego

My latest inane Twitter spat is with Ant and Dec. Is it more contrived publicity cr*p or do I genuinely hate them? I’m not even sure myself. All I know is that people pay attention, and without that I am nothing.