Man's phone keyboard still makes the typing noises

A MAN’S phone is still making a little noise every time he presses a key, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir’s otherwise modern mobile device makes an audible clacking sound with every single letter that he types, much to the irritation of friends, colleagues and fellow commuters.

Muir said: “I know I can silence it but I choose not to. If you have a problem with it you can always leave the quiet carriage.

“Jabbing out a message to the clack of 1930s Remington typewriter makes me feel like I’m a hotshot journalist reporting on the latest scoop, whereas in reality I’m asking my ex-wife when I can pick up the kids.

“She says the keyboard sounds weren’t connected to her decision to leave me, but her new fella’s phone is as quiet as the grave. Meanwhile if I could add swooshy noises when I swipe up the screen I would.”

Co-worker Donna Sherridan said: “Silencing the keyboard is the first thing we all do when we get a new phone. You’d have to be a nutter to leave it on.

“It’s different from when I browse my phone’s library of ringtones at maximum volume in the canteen at lunch. That’s necessary.”

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Coronavirus: how to make it work for you

THE coronavirus is the hot new viral sensation on everyone’s lips right now. But how can you make it work for you? 

Claim your work enemy is a super-spreader

Got a sociable colleague you detest? Smear them as a super-spreader, and watch as someone who’s been getting the best freebies for years by snidely saying ‘I’m not sure Janine is strategic enough’ become increasingly bewildered as people don masks and sit far away from him.

Overrule takeaway orders

Stop your partner ordering Chinese every takeaway night by raising vague suspicions. When asked what food prepared in Kiddiminster has to do with a virus in China, simply make something up about imported prawns carrying the virus dormant within their frozen bodies, you know, like the mammoth in TV drama Fortitude.

Get out of a work conference

You really feel it’s best you don’t attend the 2020 data retention conference just outside Utrecht now, what with everything. What if you sit near a Malaysian man and he breathes on you and you’re off for six weeks then sue work? Not worth the risk.

Finally see China

An overseas trip at a bargain-bucket price without the usual tourist crowds? Seven-star luxury and no queue to see the Terracotta Army? Just try not to notice the face masks, overflowing hospitals or palpable air of panic.

Sorely-needed me time? 

Claim you’re just back from China, even if you’re not. Get into bed with a family bag of Kettle Chips and explain that you are self-isolating. Request that all meals are left outside your door on a tray. Repeat for six weeks.