Mathematical equations still best way to sell shampoo

COMPLICATED mathematical equations requiring viewers to work out how many people equal 78 per cent of 237 remain the best way to sell shampoo, say experts. 

Advertisers have confirmed that without the GCSE-level questions about what percentage of a random number of women preferred what product, posed at the bottom of the screen and giving viewers only a few seconds to calculate, their adverts would be worthless.

Marketer Carolyn Ryan said: “When it comes to haircare, women are mad for science.

“The maths problem is key. Without that, they’d be left with nothing but supermodels tossing their curls about, which is no basis to make crucial coiffure decisions.”

Mary Fisher of Worcester said: “So, 85 per cent of 170 women is 144.5, decent sample size, best-selling in Nielsen ratings between July 2015 and June 2016 when aggregating all related brands… yep. This shit adds up.

“That conditioner is proven fucking gold.”

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Idiotic multi-billionaire assumes Tories care about foreigners

AN idiotic American billionaire has assumed the Tories care about the fate of people in the developing world.

Bill Gates, who started a technology company called Microsoft, warned that Tory cuts to the UK’s aid budget after Brexit could cost lives in Africa, as if that would somehow change their minds.

A Tory spokesman said: “Who?”

After Gates was explained to him, the spokesman added: “So? He’s not even British.

“Britain comes first. Did you not know that? Or are you some sort of simpering moron, like this Mr Gates?

“Did you not know that Brexit will make Britain the greatest country in the world?”

The spokesman was then dragged away by police for failing to state Britain is already the greatest country in the world and that everywhere else is utterly vile.