Met Office computer predicts weather and builds robot soldiers

THE Met Office has built a new supercomputer that can detect bad weather and send robots back in time to stop it.

Long-term forecast: robot apocalypse

The machine, based in Exeter because where else would the world end, will be six times more powerful than any previous computer and will call its operators ‘fleshy ones’.

A spokesman said: “We asked people on the streets of Britain what could possibly be worth risking the future of humanity for, and to a man they replied ‘Accurate weather forecasts’.

“Skynet will be able to predict the weather with 99.4 per cent certainty, and if it’s ever wrong will dispatch one of its ever-increasing army of robot soldiers back in time to fix it.

“And for those nerds at the back shouting that time travel doesn’t work on anything metal don’t worry: all the robots have been encased in living flesh, a bit like a Scotch Egg.”

The computer’s first predictions, of heavy rain moving in from the west, patchy fog where skies clear and a series of seemingly random killings in gun shops and biker bars, have proven correct.

The only person believed to be able to shut Skynet down is Michael Fish, who is so unfailingly wrong about the weather that a single forecast from him will make its logic circuits explode.

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Single man’s housework routine is applying to Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

43-YEAR-OLD Tom Booker’s cleaning regime is repeatedly applying to a TV series where strangers come and sort it out.

Booker, who lives alone, said: “I stay on top of my filthy, squalid flat by telephoning Channel 4 on a daily basis.

“It’s pure elbow grease and hardly leaves me any time to do important things like eating microwaved pot-type meals and arranging empty beer bottles in eye-catching displays.

“I tried hoovering once but I am not good at it like the professionals.”