Microsoft To Launch Range Of Clothing That Doesn't Work

MICROSOFT is to launch a range a range of branded t-shirts that need to be constantly updated, it was announced last night.

The company said the $15 'Softwear' shirts were the most advanced it had ever produced, with a host of new features including enhanced security and a thing that makes your old LPs into photographs of CDs.

Microsoft chief executive Steve Ballmer said that by next summer the t-shirt will be fitted to every new baby within seconds of its birth, or else.

However, early purchasers complained the shirts were slow and difficult to use and many came without neck holes forcing them to wear the t-shirt on their head.

Dan Kravitz, a developer from San Adreas, said: "I had to pay $49 for McAfee Anti-Stain Protector which has to be sprayed on eight times a day.

"And everytime I lift my left arm it asks me a series of apparently meaningless and contradictory questions."

"I've also had to throw out all my old t-shirts and sign a contract promising not to let my wife wear it."

Meanwhile, Apple is to launch its own range of $250 t-shirts destined to become next year's must-have hi-tech, epoch-making lifestyle accessory, even though they are actually just t-shirts.

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Your Astrological Week Ahead

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Take your hands out of your trousers. Now!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mars confirms that the parcel you were expecting last week is being kept for you at Thornwood Post Office, but only until Tuesday.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The best part of dating someone new is discovering their interests, hopes, and dreams. Trust me, the holes always turn out to be pretty much the same.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Today you may feel a bit of electricity pass between you and your crush. Cheap underwear.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Yes, your hopes and wishes are important to you. But the rest of us don't give a fuck, so shut it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Now that Pluto has arrived back in Capricorn take another look at your curtains to see if alterations need to be made.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As tempting as it might be to rely on email and text messaging to flirt with that girl you've got your eye on, nothing beats sitting next to her on the bus and showing her your cock.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Venus moves into Aquarius this week and highlights relationships, fun and friendships, so it's going to be a quiet one for you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
For ages you've been complaining about how certain individuals refuse to take responsibility for their end of problems. Perhaps now it's time to kill them?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Dating success is your responsibility as much as the person you ask out. Try moving around a little and at least pretending you are enjoying it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Jupiter hands you the role of joy bringer. Don't forget the sponge.