Microsoft unveils new tablet for uncool people

MICROSOFT has launched a new tablet for desperately uncool people who do mundane, everyday things.

The device looks deliberately pedestrian and comes packaged with a selection of uncool applications including Classic Rock Gig Finder, Birdwatching Assistant and Grocery Expenditure Buddy.

IT industry analyst Tom Logan said: “There’s far, far more uncool people than cool people in the world. Probably less than 0.0000003% of the human race is cool.”

A Microsoft spokesman said: “iPads are fine if you’re the type who likes to sit in trendy bars, sipping so-called ‘lattes’  and eating ‘paninis’ – whatever they might be – while yapping on about ‘chillwave’ music to another idiot in tight trousers.

“However if you resent those people, don’t care about clothes and like word processing, spread sheets and making checklists of real ale pubs, this machine is for you.

“It’s militantly unexciting.”

The spokesman added: “It follows in a proud tradition of machines that are less cool than their counterparts – Betamax video recorders, ZX Spectrums and Blackberry phones – but don’t give a shit.”


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New Hitman game to feature very realistic women

THE next game in the Hitman series will feature realistic female characters that look like girls you might see on the bus.

After negative publicity over female assassins dressed as nuns in bondage gear, overtly sexualised female characters will be replaced with the sort of women that may, just about, be attainable to the average male gamer.

Head games developer Emma Bradford said: “It’s better for everyone if gamers learn to fixate on the sort of female characters they might meet in the pub.

“That’s why the next Hitman game will involve Agent 47 developing a lukewarm sexual relationship with Jayne, who is slightly overweight, likes going to Ikea, and won’t fucking shut up about her job.”

However some proposed female characters – such as Belinda, a whiny, self-obsessed Daily Mail reader who listens to Heart FM – proved too realistic.

Bradford said: “Although on the same side as Agent 47, Belinda was the character that our testers most enjoyed killing, usually by the most violent means available.

“We didn’t even know the game’s mechanics allowed you to dissolve someone in a washing machine full of acid.”

Gamer Wayne Hayes, 17, said: ““Any game about a near-invincible assassin working for an international murder agency demands only the highest standards of realism.

“Also, I think it’s about time the games industry did something about sexist stereotypes. I can’t get turned on anymore without looking at a large-breasted space marine and you don’t meet many of those in Stoke-on-Trent.”

The trend for increased realism in games is also extending to male characters, with the forthcoming Grand Theft Auto: Swindon to chronicle the adventures of Colin Bryce, a tubby driving instructor with angina and a gammy leg.