Monster Munch makers challenged over whether ‘Flamin’ Hot’ is actually a flavour

THE makers of Monster Munch have been told that ‘Flamin’ Hot’ is more of an abstract concept than an actual flavour.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “‘Roast Beef’ and ‘Pickled Onion’ are legitimate flavours derived, however tenuously, from real edible things that exist.

“But what on Earth is a ‘Flamin’ Hot’? Obviously that’s a rhetorical question – it’s not a flavour, it’s a temperature-based sensation.

“But weirdly they aren’t even hot. You may as with call them ‘Mirth’ or ‘Ennui’.”

Crisps eater Nikki Hollis said: “I suppose it’s sort of vaguely spicy, not sure.

“They are fucking delicious though.”

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Band wins recording contract for bits of songs

A LOCAL band has won a recording contract for an album of unfinished songs, ‘jam sessions’ and Led Zeppelin riffs.

The Velociraptors, from Crewe, have been signed by Sony after a talent scout heard them aimlessly repeating the riff from Whole Lotta Love for 45 minutes in the bass player’s garage.

Guitarist Tom Logan said: “We’ve never really written a whole proper song, but the record company said we could just play bits of songs and fill the rest of the album with a blues jam.

“Most of our ‘tracks’ are just a few chords and some cheesy lyrics written on an envelope. But we have got loads of them and some go on for ages because we all insist on doing interminable solos.

“Anyway we can always do some cover versions. We can play most of Layla, Sweet Child O’ Mine and Enter Sandman, apart from the tricky guitar bits.”

Logan added that the band would avoid ‘difficult second album’ problems by simply recording themselves playing fragments of U2 songs and discussing why other bands were shit.