Natwest computer 'full of chickens and lepers'

NATWEST’S IT calamity was caused by animals and beggars getting into its India-based computer system, it has been claimed.

As thousands of British people continue to have problems using their accounts, the blame is increasingly being laid at the bare, dark-skinned feet of foreigners.

Journalist and prick Roy Hobbs said: “The problem with outsourcing to India is that they think it’s fine to let cows wander into their server rooms and shit all over everything.

“Also they wipe their bums with their hands and then touch PCB boards.

“It’s curry-scented chaos basically. They’re probably trying to fix it with a human sacrifice.”

Sales manager Emma Bradford said: “British IT professionals are simply better, they must be because they get paid a lot more money to do less work.

“I hate it when you ring those foreign call centres, the funny accents make ‘can I help you?’ sound like ‘I’m going to bite your nipples off you rancid bint’.”

Indian computer helpdesk operative ‘Fred Smith’ said: “We try to be less foreign by adopting English-sounding names and spending a disproportionate chunk of our salaries on kitchenware.

“I don’t know what else I can do really, except get my face grafted onto the body of a bulldog.”

British IT consultant Wayne Hayes said: “If only I were there I’d be able to stare at the faulty hardware in a disapproving manner while sucking my teeth, then make a sarcastic-sounding comment about how they shouldn’t have bought it in the first place.

“Then I would recommend trying to fix it with a human sacrifice.”



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Housing benefit withdrawn from anyone with under £25 million

THE Conservative party has unveiled new plans to cut housing benefit and income support for anyone with less than £25 million in capital holdings.

The new threshold, which ministers are calling the Decency Benchmark, will ensure that poor people with regional accents won’t be able to get their filthy hands on taxpayers’ cash, which will instead be channelled to wealth creators to spend supporting the economy.

Prime Minister David Cameron said: “Giving the wealthy even more money sends a clear message to society that poverty doesn’t pay and will encourage those people being persistently poor to stop it at once.”

The changes will make housing benefit only available to those with three or more homes but will increase the average amount paid from £90 per week to £9,000. Income support recipients must provide evidence of their company directorships.

Cameron added: “How would you feel if you were BAE Systems and you were told ‘Sorry, we can only afford to buy 18 Warrior armoured fighting vehicles this year because we’re paying a bunch of 18-year-olds to live apart from their abusive alcoholic parents?'”

Under the new proposals, the less wealthy would be forced to live with their parents until they have proper jobs, which could create a generation of men who have weirdly obsessive relations with their mums, like in Italy.

24-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I’ve already gotten to the point where my mother’s opinion about my girlfriends is more important than my own.

“Also I am boasting to all my friends about her pasta sauce, despite it only being Spicy Tomato Ragu, and have become quite fascinated by transsexuals.”