New app alerts users when their ex is nearby

AN APP that alerts users when their ex is nearby has received glowing reviews.

Ex-it aims to help users feel either safe in the knowledge they can avoid their exes, or smug and prepared should they choose to see them.

Donna Sheridan said: “When I told my ex I never wanted to see him again, I meant I never wanted to see him unless he was looking like shit and I was looking super hot.

“With Ex-it, I feel secure in the knowledge that I will be mentally and cosmetically prepared for our next encounter.

“I was crying into a bag of Mcdonald’s while walking home through the park. The app told me he was nearby, so I was able to wipe the grease, tears and barbecue sauce off my face and hide in a bush.”

The premium version of the app, to be released later this month, allows users to find out if their ex is accompanied by a new partner. Women can then choose to deploy a ‘Bitch Pitch’ function which emits a high frequency scream that only their ex’s new girlfriend can hear.

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Ask Holly: Everyone laughs and calls me 'Spreadsheet Phil'

Dear Holly,

Everyone laughs and calls me ‘Spreadsheet Phil’. But they wouldn’t be laughing if they knew the dark truth about my obsession with Microsoft Excel. Data entry makes me hot. Inserting numbers into those sexy little data fields really gets me going. Running pivots and formulae and doing that thing where you select everything in Columns D and C and make a big, colourful, mental pie chart that doesn’t really mean anything at all…….I can hardly control myself. If I could get married to Excel I would. Why do I feel so ashamed?



Dear Philip,

NEWSFLASH: maths is for losers. Weirdos who enjoy doing clever things with numbers don’t get invited to parties because all they want to do is talk about fractions and integers and they’ve never seen an episode of Eastenders and they don’t think it’s funny to write 5318008 in their calculator which is boobies upside down by the way. 

Hope that helps,