New Calls For All-Clown Space Station

THERE were fresh demands last night for the rest of the world's clowns to be fired into orbit immediately.

As Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberté paid £18m to travel to the International Space Station, anti-clown groups pledged their support to ridding the planet of each and every one of the deeply unnerving circus performers.

Charlie Reeves, an anti-clownist from York, backed the mission, adding: "Ever since I was a child, I have dreamed of a clown-free world.

"That Stephen King novel where one of them went around ripping children's arms off certainly made me suspicious of their overly friendly approach and at the same time replaced the school caretaker as the thing that made me shit my pants."

Reeves said a giant, all-clown space station could operate on a relatively modest budget by cutting out 'unnecessary luxuries' including buckets of glitter, water-squirting buttonhole flowers and oxygen.

Meanwhile in orbit, Laliberté enchanted his fellow crew members with an eerie, zero-gravity mime to poignant piano music, adding: "I have slipped the surly bonds of earth and confused the shit out of God."

But a NASA spokesman insisted: "What if they make contact with aliens? Our first conversation with extraterrestrial life will be conducted via a series of car honks, dropped trousers and insanely coloured bunches of flowers pulled out of their ass.

"Remember, in space nobody can hear you say 'that's not entertaining'."

But Reeves is adamant that blasting the planet's clowns into orbit will make the world a 'better, less French place'.

He added: "While we're at it, we should also put all the magicians in a big submarine.

"And then blow it up."

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Fump Off, You Bunch Of Fumpers, Says Mandelson

LABOUR'S relationship with News International was in tatters last night after Lord Mandelson described the company as 'a bunch of fumpers who need a right good kick in the chump'.

The business secretary exploded in rage during a phone call to chief executive Rebekah Brooks, telling her: "Fump you and fump your chumping friends."

He added: "I'll tell you who's fumping lost it, you have you fumping bump. Remember who you're fumping with.

"I am going to fump you up so bad and then, just when you think I'm fumping finished, I'm going to fump you up some more."

He went on to describe Tory leader David Cameron as a 'total fumping bumpard' and said shadow chancellor George Osborne was a 'jumped up little prump with a face like Thora Hurd's chump'.

Meanwhile prime minister Gordon Brown was this morning still tangled up in a plastic microphone after attempting to storm out of an interview with Sky News.

Mr Brown tried to walk away from Sky's political editor Adam Boulton but found he was attached to the device and began spinning around in a desperate bid to free himself.

A Downing Street spokesman said: "It got very messy, very quickly. He currently looks like Frodo Baggins after he was attacked by that massive spider."

A spokesman for the Brighton and Hove Fire Service said: "The prime minister is currently in a state of extreme entanglement. He will not stop squirming and naturally that just makes it more difficult for us to do our job properly."

He added: "We're bringing in some specialist cutting equipment and some of his favourite pills. We should have him free by noon at the latest."

As Mr Brown writhed on the floor he continued to attack the media's obsession with personality, shouting: "My wife has recently announced to the nation that I am lovely! No more needs to be said on this matter!"