New insect repellent causes mosquitoes to target Geordies

A NEW repellent designed to deter mosquitoes has given the insects an insatiable hunger for Geordies.

Mosquitoes subjected to a single droplet of the new repellent develop an instant penchant for Novocastarian blood along with the ability to pick one out from up to a mile away.

Researcher Roy Hobbs said: “We think they may be attracted to the accent.”

With the holiday season approaching, resorts popular with Tynesiders are bracing themselves for a blissfully unsuccessful summer.

Malaga bar owner Bill McKay said: “You couldn’t move for them last year. I made a fortune. It was horrible.

“But I suspect no Geordie, not even one of the ones that is in their right mind, will want to be a walking, foul-mouthed mosquito buffet.”

Experts have also predicted a steep rise in malaria since many Geordies consider receiving pre-holiday inoculations to be homosexual, along with liking biscuits or owning a chair.

Hobbs said his team has worked round the clock to create a decoy Geordie.

“We whacked a nicotine patch on a zebra and injected it with brown ale, but the mosquitoes were more interested in our lab technician from South Shields.

“He was a like a slush puppy with all the juice drained out by the time they’d finished with him.”


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Website praised for Take That ticket fraud

THOUSANDS of relieved men have expressed their gratitude after buying fraudulent Take That tickets.

Police are attempting to track down the owners of the website to pass on the thanks of those no longer doomed to sit through an extended, ‘funky’ version of Only Takes A Minute Girl followed by a ‘very special mystery guest’ who is obviously going to be Lulu.

Wayne Hayes, an utterly defeated husband from Carlisle, said: “The tour has sold out so I can’t even get replacement tickets to stand in a warehouse with 20,000 screaming women and a £6 plastic cup of beer in my hand as I attempt the rictus grin one normally associates with the Queen watching a provincial brass band.

“All the while being continually asked if I’m ready to party by five fat, middle-aged Mancunians.

“Instead, we’re off to see Thor and have a balti. God bless you, Ticket Index fraudsters, whoever you are.”

Since the suspected fraud was reported, the website has been inundated with requests to stock tickets for Legally Blonde: The Musical, Cheryl Crow’s next tour and anything whatsoever to do with Abba.

The criminals have also been urged to expand the operation into bank holiday weekend rail tickets to visit her fucking mother.

Detective inspector Tom Logan said: “We’re looking at a highly-sophisticated operation that I wish to Christ had existed when Sex & The City II came out.

“Twenty-five quid to eat rubber popcorn and watch a menopause support group talk about sucking cocks.”