New iPhone can plant your fingerprints at murder scene

THE new iPhone 5S uses state-of-the-art fingerprint technology to frame its owners for murder.

The device will leave prints and DNA at crime scenes if the owner has failed to meet Apple’s high standards for iPhone ownership.

The phone’s built-in JudgMe app collects data about its owners’ treatment of their iPhone, rates them on a moral scale developed by Apple and can condemn them to a lifetime behind bars.

Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at the launch event, said: “We’re rightly known for our focus on the user experience, but all too frequently I see users who don’t repay that trust.

“I see cracked screens, scratched aluminium backs, and iPhone owners who talk openly about their interest in the Samsung Note 3 with their iPhone right there in front of them, hearing every hurtful, traitorous word.

“Well, that ends today. The new iPhone, using your fingerprints, your DNA, and faking records of your movements and communications, can put you on the scene of a triple slaying so efficiently that even OJ’s defence team couldn’t get you off.”

Technology blogger Carolyn Ryan said: “I downloaded a non-proprietary web browser and Google Maps to my new iPhone 5S, breaking my terms of service, and within 24 hours there was video of me kidnapping and executing my brother-in-law right there in the iCloud.

“That’s the Apple magic – it just works.”

Cook, who concluded his presentation by breathing hard on a new iPhone and shattering its screen, seemed set to leave the stage when he turned to the audience and said: “There is one more thing.”

The crowd then cheered wildly as detectives arrived on stage to arrest him for the murder of Steve Jobs.

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Fall albums finally deleted from iPhone

A 38 year-old father of two has acknowledged that he now prefers Radio 4 to post-punk.

Having initially loaded his iPhone with music from his youth, Wayne Hayes  admitted the only thing he had played on it for months was the Bruno Mars album.

Hayes said: “The Fall’s angular, aggressive guitars and Mark E Smith’s hectoring delivery were sacred to me in the 80s but now I have my actual life to show me that everything is hellish.

“Besides, I just bought the new Rod Stewart one and that has a Tom Waits cover on it, so my soul is not completely dead.”

The deletion of the Fall albums took place in a ceremony in Hayes’ garden shed, where his Butthole Surfers t-shirt was formally inducted as gardening wear.

Hayes also agreed to his wife’s demand that he sell his guitar on ebay and use the money to buy loft insulation.