ED Miliband is to be made popular with a raft of measures including getting married to Victoria Wood.
Party strategists are to pair the struggling Labour leader with Britain’s best-loved comedienne and then make a documentary about the couple visiting a car boot sale.
A senior Labour source said: “It’s all about how Ed is no longer in a relationship with the trade unions that got him elected ahead of the person who should obviously have won.
“He’s now in a relationship with Victoria Wood, which is basically the same as being married to Britain.
“A car boot sale will give Victoria the chance to make lots of brilliantly funny remarks and you’ll see Ed laughing at those remarks in much the same way that you would.”
The plan, code-named ‘Making Ed Better at This’, also includes three ‘selfies’ per day, a vicious smear campaign against his existing wife and a ‘mystery stain’.
The source added: “Hopefully the stain will get people talking about Ed in terms other than ‘weak’, ‘opportunistic’ and ‘googly-eyed’.”