Miliband to marry Victoria Wood

ED Miliband is to be made popular with a raft of measures including getting married to Victoria Wood.

Party strategists are to pair the struggling Labour leader with Britain’s best-loved comedienne and then make a documentary about the couple visiting a car boot sale.

A senior Labour source said: “It’s all about how Ed is no longer in a relationship with the trade unions that got him elected ahead of the person who should obviously have won.

“He’s now in a relationship with Victoria Wood, which is basically the same as being married to Britain.

“A car boot sale will give Victoria the chance to make lots of brilliantly funny remarks and you’ll see Ed laughing at those remarks in much the same way that you would.”

The plan, code-named ‘Making Ed Better at This’, also includes three ‘selfies’ per day, a vicious smear campaign against his existing wife and a ‘mystery stain’.

The source added: “Hopefully the stain will get people talking about Ed in terms other than ‘weak’, ‘opportunistic’ and ‘googly-eyed’.”

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M&S not sure if it is a shop anymore

MARKS & Spencer is unsure whether it is a supermarket or a quasi-spiritual organisation offering the promise of a better life.

The store’s latest advertising campaign, featuring inspirational women such as Dame Helen Mirren and Katie Piper, has confused shoppers who just popped in for some balsamic vinegar and a quiche.

Housewife Donna Sheridan said: “I like Helen Mirren, but it’s not clear what she’s got to do with buying a ready-to-roast pork loin.

“First they had the adverts with perfect food in perfect surroundings, like you’d been invited to a finger buffet in Heaven and God had made a special effort.

“Then there were the adverts with perfect families enjoying endless idyllic summer days, which didn’t bear much relation to my own family holiday consisting of two weeks of arguing somewhere damp.

“Now they’re going on about high-achievers like Monica Ali, which can make you feel a bit inadequate if you’ve never written a best-selling novel and you’re buying a pair of elasticated slacks.

“Are they saying my life could be amazing and inspirational? Or are they saying my life is a failure? It’s a lot to think about when you can’t find the sausage rolls and your parking’s about to run out.”

An M&S spokesman said: “All advertising has an aspirational element to it, although we wouldn’t advise our customers to try and be a top ballerina like Darcy Bussell because that’s unbelievably difficult.

“It’s better if they just aspire to buying nicer fishfingers than the ones from Tesco.”