New remote control doesn’t have any buttons that f**k up the TV

A NEW TV remote has no buttons that completely fuck up the television. 

The remote is just one-third the size of standard controls because all the buttons that make the screen go blue have been removed.

Inventor Roy Hobbs said: “Is there a market for remote controls which will not cast people into an infinite limbo of static? We’ll see.”

He added: “You can accidentally lean on it without having to work out what it means by ‘input’. And never again will you be trapped in ‘Channel HSN+1’. I’ve yet to meet someone who knows what that is.”

Viewer Tom Logan said: “My TV has been in Superzoom mode since 2009. Eventually I got used to the gigantic faces, but for the first four and a half years it was terrifying.

“Luckily the faces are sometimes hidden behind the ‘Audio Description’ and the sleep timer.”


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Lord Sugar actually unemployed

THE winner of this year’s Apprentice will fill in Lord Sugar’s job applications while he watches daytime TV, the BBC has admitted.

The Amstrad tycoon lost his last job more than a year ago and will employ the victor to trawl job sites, work on his interview skills and just generally for company.

The Apprentice producer Emma Bradford said: “The winner will get one-on-one time with a business leader while he shouts at The Wright Stuff while wearing monogrammed silk pyjamas and tapping cigar ash into his Cheerios.

“We’re looking for a bright, creative mind who can make the Amstrad E-m@iler look good on a CV and instantly identify which guests have been on Jeremy Kyle before.”

The new series’ tasks have been changed to match Lord Sugar’s situation, with contestants challenged to create a successful national radio and TV campaign to persuade Nick Hewer to lend them twenty quid.