NUCLEAR disasters can be caused by things other than lazy, inefficient communists, it has emerged.
As the world watches a series of enormous and terrifying explosions just yards away from a nuclear reactor, the industry has finally admitted that Japan is not a communist country.
A spokesman for US energy corporation BombPower said: “At first we thought some long-abandoned 1980s communism may have seeped across from China.
“But we looked into it and sure enough Japan continues to be a country up to its neck in free market capitalism.
“Also, in terms of efficiency the Japanese are the most efficient. In fact if any of them had used the previous sentence they would have resigned in shame.”
He added: “Turns out it was actually an earthquake. Never mind.”
Martin Bishop, Professor of Well, What Do You Know at Reading University, said: “Before anyone says anything about climate change, shut the fuck up.
“For the moment let’s stick to what used to be known universally as ‘the facts’ until it was decided that everything was just an opinion.
“Fact one. Fossil fuels are running out and as they do so they will get more and more expensive resulting in violent conflicts. You will not believe how true that sentence is going to continue to be.
“Fact two. Nuclear power stations explode. They do, I just saw one.
“That leaves us with either renewable energy or stuff that hasn’t been invented yet and it’s really difficult to charge your stupid fucking phone with stuff that hasn’t been invented yet.
“Go on. Try.”