Nuclear disasters not just caused by communism

NUCLEAR disasters can be caused by things other than lazy, inefficient communists, it has emerged.

As the world watches a series of enormous and terrifying explosions just yards away from a nuclear reactor, the industry has finally admitted that Japan is not a communist country.

A spokesman for US energy corporation BombPower said: “At first we thought some long-abandoned 1980s communism may have seeped across from China.

“But we looked into it and sure enough Japan continues to be a country up to its neck in free market capitalism.

“Also, in terms of efficiency the Japanese are the most efficient. In fact if any of them had used the previous sentence they would have resigned in shame.”

He added: “Turns out it was actually an earthquake. Never mind.”

Martin Bishop, Professor of Well, What Do You Know at Reading University, said: “Before anyone says anything about climate change, shut the fuck up.

“For the moment let’s stick to what used to be known universally as ‘the facts’ until it was decided that everything was just an opinion.

“Fact one. Fossil fuels are running out and as they do so they will get more and more expensive resulting in violent conflicts. You will not believe how true that sentence is going to continue to be.

“Fact two. Nuclear power stations explode. They do, I just saw one.

“That leaves us with either renewable energy or stuff that hasn’t been invented yet and it’s really difficult to charge your stupid fucking phone with stuff that hasn’t been invented yet.

“Go on. Try.”



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British women not as attractive as a smoked bacon and cheddar double Angus

THE majority of British women would come a distant second to a flame-grilled bacon and cheddar beef burger in a bap, according to a new survey.

The Institute for Studies found that the beefy, double-decker delight was at least as satisfying as intercourse with a British woman but did not keep going on and on and on about stuff.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They are greasy, lumpy and covered in cheese.

“But not as much cheese as the double Angus.

“If I was a British woman I would be upping my cheese quotient as a matter of urgency.”

He added: “But even then, men could never connect with a woman in the way they connect with a monumental burger that has been garnished, very thoughtfully, with bits of crispy smoked bacon.

“It’s like having a soulmate who doesn’t mind being eaten and washed down with Fanta.

“And of course they are also much cheaper as they don’t wear shoes or have a series of seemingly trivial anniversaries tattooed onto the inside of their eyes .”

Meanwhile, the survey also found that British food would be more respected internationally if it did not consist mainly of highly processed animal parts sold by vast, amoral corporations.