Britain shudders at thought of Hague's mojo

WILLIAM Hague was under fresh attack last night after raising the terrible spectre of his mojo.

The novelty foreign secretary has dismissed rumours of his resignation while simultaneously conjuring the image of him rubbing cocoa butter into his bald head while reclining on black satin sheets.

Tory backbencher, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said “As soon as I became aware of William’s mojo my mind was filled with his gyrating hips and long wet tongue.

“I haven’t vomited so comprehensively since I bought that sushi off the back of a van in Sierra Leone and I am now haunted day and night by terrible visions of him beckoning me into a hot tub with one hand whilst squeezing his nipple with the other.

“Oh Christ, here comes my Sugar Puffs.”

Parliamentary convention has banned MPs from using sensual imagery since 1938 when Neville Chamberlain blamed the looming spectre of war for his ‘sustained period of glandular softness’.

Hague contravened this last week when he told MPs that his plan to evacuate Britons from Libya through a 600 mile tunnel to Marbella was evidence of ‘a mojo firing on all cylinders’.

He added: “I could rescue British passport holders from Libya all night long.”

But Nikki Hollis, a solicitor from Hague’s Richmond constituency, said “I would happily see the smoking remains of this country sold to some Chinese gangsters if it erased the image of a naked William Hague straddling a chair with his face contorted in grim ecstasy.

“Hang on… yep, I’m now a lesbian.”



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Armed troops to ensure enjoyment of royal wedding

THOUSANDS of heavily armed troops are to be deployed across Britain to make sure everyone enjoys the Royal wedding.

Amid claims some people may be attempting to flee the country, ministers have invoked special measures, buried deep within the 2001 Anti-Terrorism Act, to ensure that each of the Queen’s subjects has an absolutely lovely time.

Tanks and armoured cars will be posted at airports and ferry terminals to prevent anyone spending a week somewhere sunny and foreign when they could be eating jelly in the street with some twats.

Meanwhile each street party will be assigned its own platoon from the Brigade of Guards who will use their semi-automatic rifles to keep everyone not only happy, but sincerely grateful for Britain’s ancient and enduring institutions.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Although the soldiers will have large guns with sensitive triggers and will probably be in a foul mood because of having to work on a bank holiday, the Queen has specifically asked them not to shoot you in the head or chest. It is a wedding, for goodness sake.”

The Ministry of Defence has also confirmed that RAF Tornadoes will use laser guided bombs to pick off the homes of suspected curmudgeons.

A spokesman said: “It will not only act as an extremely festive warning to others but will eradicate the sort of grumpy traitors that no-one wants to live next door to anyway.”

But Helen Archer, an accountant from Hatfield, said: “I got married last year. Apart from my family and friends, no-one else gave a tuppenny shit. I felt this was perfectly reasonable.

“I did not feel the need to label them ‘refuseniks’ or write lengthy newspaper articles asking why they don’t have souls.

“I guess that to them my wedding was just another random event happening in the universe, like a pair of raccoons rutting in a bush in Panama.

“Please don’t shoot me in the knees.”