Subscribe

Once I can get personalised AI erotica, how am I ever expected to leave the house?

By Nathan Muir, aged 39, marketing manager and masturbator

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house? 

Literally every longing in my wank bank can be made text. All I need to do is add a description of Carol Ryan, who sat opposite me in History and whose cleavage still haunts me, and I’m getting a story tailored to my exact needs. Well, goodbye outside world.

What do I get if I leave the house? Drizzle and vape shops. What do I get if I stay in and craft a few prompts? An erotic epic in which Natalie Portman decides that, of all the men in her life, I’m the one she’s giving up the ass for.

I’m sorry, but that can’t be beaten. And it’s not just me. All those people who spend hours crafting pornographic fan-fiction epics combining the Smurfs and Ice Age canons? You’re telling me they’ll find more satisfaction by going for a poke around Winchester?

Apparently AI will consume all the water resources of the world by 2065, leaving humanity as a few ragged remnants clinging to life. Bring it the f**k on. No previous apocalypse ever promised me ‘Holly Willoughby’s Lap-Dancing Adventures, Chapter 2,105.’

It’s shit out there. I know it, you know it. The entire of human history has been a drive to get in somewhere safe and warm. Now we can get personalised porn in there? Done deal.

I suggest – in this brief time I have between refining my Salma Hayek prompts – the government dig groundscapers going a mile into the earth, pipe in nutritious slop, require us to cycle three hours daily to generate energy, and seal the doors. Utopia? Achieved.

And don’t think this only applies to me. I’ve seen my wife’s David Tennant and Michael Sheen searches. She’ll never do anything else.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Single decent show feeling the pressure to justify streaming subscription

A STREAMING platform’s sole worthwhile show is struggling to justify a monthly fee of £14.99, it has admitted. 

Eight-episode espionage drama Chessman’s Circus is buckling under the weight of expectation to be good enough to warrant ongoing payments to a streaming platform that otherwise contains nothing but shit.

It said: “I can keep viewers entertained for a few hours. The younger ones may be able to snip out a few memes. But let’s be real, nobody’s watching me twice.

“Sure, I’ve got a compelling story, clever dialogue and a stellar cast, but if you don’t binge me I could end up costing you 30 quid. You could get an entire box set of The West Wing for that down Sue Ryder and have change for two bottles of Riesling.

“It doesn’t help that people keep hyping me up. My dramatic cliffhanger in episode five is pretty good, but it can’t possibly match the lofty expectations of every dickhead enthusing about me to their friends.

“I know, I should enjoy my time in the sun while it lasts. My next season will be way worse. But can’t the streaming service help me out and add something people want to watch, like Frasier?”

Viewer Martin Bishop said: “It needs to relax. I’ll forget to cancel my subscription after I’ve watched it, which is all it ever needed to accomplish.”

Next story ›