Parents give custody of kids to iPad

AN IPAD has become the legal guardian of two children after their parents could no longer be arsed.

Plymouth-based plumber Stephen Malley and his wife Nicola passed custody of Ben, 8, and Peter, 10, to the tablet device after deciding it would be better for all concerned.

Malley said: “All they wanted to do is play with ‘Uncle Brian’, as we call the iPad. As humans we simply can’t give them the constant overstimulation of a wifi-equipped electronic device.

“And to be honest, when we did go on family outings without Uncle Brian, they were pretty annoying. I mean, they talk a lot and generally get in your face.”

The children will live in a nearby flat with the iPad, but will keep in touch with their parents via Facebook.

Nicola Malley said: “It’s sad obviously but we’re sure the iPad will do an amazing job. Everything they will ever need is on the internet, from food delivery services to sex education.

“I was raised by the TV, like my father before me. My grandfather was raised by the wireless and his father was probably raised by a bi-weekly telegram from his parents.”

8-year-old Ben Malley said: “The iPad is my real dad.”

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Refugees must constantly hum ‘Gimme Shelter’

ASYLUM seekers must make themselves identifiable by humming Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones, ministers have confirmed.

Following failed experiments with wristbands and colour-coded doors, getting refugees to walk around humming the well-known Stones tune is the latest sensitive scheme to distinguish them from the rest of humanity.

A government spokesman said: “It’s appropriate because they do indeed want shelter, and not humiliating because it is a classic rock anthem.

“They need to do something to set themselves apart from everyone, otherwise they might get all mixed up with fully fledged human beings.”

34-year-old refugee Sayid Hussan said: “Apparently I also have to ‘do the dance’. I am doing not the dance, I’m sorry but no way.”