Cameron reluctantly pulls on wellies and prepares to wank out some fake sympathy

THE prime minister has grudgingly agreed to visit flood victims for one final time, it has emerged.

David Cameron privately responded to news of flooded villages by saying this is the last ever time he’s going to sodding Cumbria.

Exhaling loudly, he said: “Someone fetch my wellies. Not the new ones, the old battered pair.”

He added: “Next time though I’m staying put, it’s fucking perishing up there. Surely we can do this over Skype or something.”

Arranging his latex features into a sympathetic expression, Cameron listened to locals describing how their homes were full of sewage while nodding and thinking about having a nice bit of cod for his dinner.

Cameron said: “We’ve been very understanding but now it’s time for people to buck up and take some personal responsibility for the weather.

“It would be irresponsible to create a dependency culture where people come running for handouts every time a few million gallons of water floods their homes.

“Stop moaning and have a game of Fruit Ninja to take your mind off it. That’s what I’m doing.”