Patchy Skype call becomes blame game over who has shittest internet

A SKYPE chat became a bitter argument over whose shit internet connection kept making it break.

Wayne Hayes called old friend Susan Traherne, who now lives in New Zealand, to catch up via the web-based communication service.

However a taint of resentment crept in after Skype froze several times, most notably during Traherne’s poignant description of ongoing marital problems.

Hayes said: “I can see you but I can’t hear you. I think the problem is your end.”

Traherne replied: “I can hear you but I can’t see you, everything’s fine my end, I’ve got fibre and it’s very reliable. As I recall you’ve got TalkTalk and everyone knows TalkTalk is lame as fuck.”

Hayes responded by confirmed that his internet worked perfectly well and that maybe Traherne’s fancy fibre connection wasn’t the big cool-ass thing she was making out.

Switching to Skype’s text box, Hayes wrote: “I think you need to restart your computer.”

Traherne replied: “You restart your fucking computer, penis breath.”

However experts later confirmed that the problem was actually caused by Skype itself being shit.


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Vegetarian excited by single choice on restaurant menu

A VEGETARIAN has rejoiced at the one suitable meal offered on a restaurant menu.

Nikki Hollis was eating with friends in Stevenage last night when she saw the single vegetarian option they had to offer was a veggie burger.

Hollis said: “A veggie burger – thank you so fucking much for going so far out of your way to fit in my wild lifestyle choices. I know it’s totally fucking mental that someone doesn’t eat meat.”

Thank you for even letting me into your restaurant. Thank you, you kings of men, you shining lights, you wondrous joys.”

Hollis asked the waitress if it was possible to have a steak pie and chips, but minus the pie and with some extra salad, but was told that menu substitutions were not allowed.

She then ate the veggie option adding afterwards: “It was alright.”

Could have done with some quinoa in it but I say that about everything.”