Phones basically all the same these days, admits Apple

APPLE has launched three new smartphones with the message that they are pretty similar to all the other ones.

The iPhone XR, XS, and XS Max offer few new features, nothing in the way of eye-catching new technology and a number of upgrades no one is excited about.

Marketing vice-president Phil Schiller said: “Ten years ago, I would’ve been unveiling tech that would have blown your fucking minds. Now? Meh.

“Phones used to be exciting, like the first cars. Everyone would’ve been like, ‘The new Ford has doors! It can go 25 miles on a single tank of gas! You don’t have to hand-crank it!’

“Now there’s no difference, and hasn’t been for decades. We’re actually thinking of giving our phones an interesting new smell as a marketing strategy. Maybe sprouts.”

Apple fan Joseph Turner said: “I’ll queue up for a new iPhone but to be honest it’s just to get out of the house.”

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What sort of car twat are you?

WITH so many makes and models there are lots of ways to be a car-owning twat. But what sort of vehicular twattery is right for you? Read our guide.

Thrifty twat

You have a decent income but hate spending money so you drive a 90s Golf or ancient Volvo that leaves a plume of black smoke like a squid under attack. You’re such a tightarse you’ll endure endless breakdowns until it completely falls apart like a clown car.

Show-off twat

You love people staring at your Porsche Spyder or Aston Martin. Sadly the kudos quickly wears off whenever you get out and everyone realises you’re a portly middle-aged businessman in ironed jeans who’s been rocking out to Chris Rea.

Wide boy twat

You drive a Beemer or Merc. You like to imagine you look like a successful drug dealer. You are not. You work in a shop and are skint as usual so you’re driving over for dinner at your mum’s yet again.

Illegal twat

You lurch around the streets in an uninsured 1980s Ford Escort with no MOT or hubcaps. Other drivers dread an accident with you, but to be honest a minor bump will probably reduce your ride to a pile of rust flakes and an old Shakin’ Stevens cassette.

Boy racer twat

You’ve modified your Citroen Saxo or Honda Civic so much it’s technically a different car. Your proudest achievement is dicking around with the exhaust so other road users think they’re being overtaken by Apollo 7.

Anal retentive twat

Your Qashqai or Skoda gives you a sexual thrill when you think about the resale value and excellent miles-per-gallon. You love to talk at length about fools who spent more on an Audi with the same boot space. Your wife is going to leave you.