'Pointless Research' Gene Discovered

RESEARCHERS last night claimed they had discovered a gene which increases people’s propensity to launch enquiries into the bleeding obvious.

According to the scientists people with two copies of the “obvious” gene had a 70% higher risk of spending their lives working on pointless experiments to prove what we already know than those with none.

Professor Tom Booker of Glasgow’s Clyde University medical school said the amazing discovery was made purely by accident while he and his team were working on another experiment.

“We were busy on a project investigating whether people prefer crisps to raw slices of indigestible potato when one of our subjects suggested this was a waste of time.

“We then reviewed all the department’s experiments for the last decade and discovered that every one of them had just proved something everyone already knew.”

The team then tested each other on their ability to spot the obvious against a control group of normal people.

Both groups were asked a series of questions such as “are clean windows easier to see through than dirty ones?” and “are homicidal maniacs more likely to commit murder than priests?”

On each occasion the general public answered the questions correctly while the scientists said they did not have a clue and asked for a large grant to fund a protracted research project into the subject.

Prof Booker said subsequent testing showed that none of the general public had a copy of the “obvious” gene, while all the scientists had at least two.

He said this suggested many scientists had a genetic predisposition towards studying the bleeding obvious and that, therefore, the general public should be a little less hard on them next time they published research proving that people walking down the street with their eyes open were less likely to walk into lampposts than those who had them shut.

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My Wedding Is Going To Be So Much Better Than Yours

Just three weeks to go and I'm so excited. The final preparations are being made and I can assure you it is going to be a magical day. So much better than yours.

The theme will be 'Lillies'. A spray in the church and delicate, oval arrangements on every table. You chose roses, did you not? Are you actually a member of the Cilla Black fan club?

My dress is being flown-in from a workshop in the hills above Perugia. It is a dazzling combination of scrubbed tafita and the most exquisite hand-ruffled lace. My friends cried when I showed them the initial sketches. My dressmaker, Senor Allessandro, has given it the 'codename' 'Project Angel'. I understand you bought your dress from a shop. Tell me, did your husband begin his affair that day?

Upon arrival at the reception each guest will be handed a flute of chilled vintage Tattinger with a fresh raspberry floating playfully on top. At your wedding you served Cava. Perhaps you meant to be fashionable. Or were you just being frugal? You may as well have passed round a lukewarm bottle of Tizer with bogies in it.

For the entree we are serving roast veal fillet with risotto of morels, crispy salsifi and champagne veloute. Delicate, sophisticated, nuanced. A sheer delight. At your wedding you served char-grilled chicken breast and baked salmon. When I told my caterer about your menu he rolled his eyes and uttered just one word: "Swill".

Our honeymoon will begin with scuba-diving in Zanzibar and then to a mountain retreat in Bhutan. No phones, no television, no internet. Just two people, gloriously in love. Remind me, how many diseases did you bring back from your two weeks in Phuket?

All in all I think you will agree that it is shaping up to be an absolutely enchanting, unforgettable occasion. Unlike your wedding which was a load of shite.