Poor people to be operated by remote control

POOR people are to be operated remotely like an unmanned drone, the government has announced.

From April all benefit claimants will be fitted with a headset so they can be controlled by a middle class person who is trained to know what is best for everyone.

The headset will be attached with stainless steel screws and a probe will enter the brain via the ear.

Electronic pulses delivered via a Department for Work and Pensions satellite will then be used to control every aspect of the poor person’s lifestyle.

A spokesman said: “You can’t stay fat if your brain is being controlled by someone who went to university.

“Also, you can’t smoke or drink. Or go to the bingo. Or play fruit machines. Or watch daytime television. Or pepper your sentences with the ghastly c-word.

“Or buy things from vans.”

He added: “And it’s great for all those middle class people who think they’re so brilliant there should be at least two of them.”

Trainee controller Martin Bishop said: “I’m worried about what my drone could get up to when I’m asleep. So I’ll need to make sure they sleep when I sleep and then I’ll rig up something that makes sure my dreams become their dreams.

“And then they will be happy.”

Julian Cook, professor of socio-economic wheezes at Roehampton University, said: “Why don’t we just stop farting about and put them all in a big camp?”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As England becomes permanently flooded, your webbed fingers put you ahead of the evolutionary curve.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s a fine line between Kung Fu and just running around in your PJs shouting at people.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you get the London look by taking a lipstick and writing ‘Go fuck yourself’ across your forehead.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Convince fellow gym members that you didn’t just join as a New Year resolution newbie by telling them you’ve been banned from all other local fitness clubs for your underwear-borrowing habit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
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Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Time to start planning your summer holiday with your friends. All you need first is to get some friends, a job to have a holiday from and a single reason for wanting to stay alive until summer.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
BOOM! Shake-shake-shake the room! BOOM! Shake-shake-shake the room! You want to lay off the fried food.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tell everyone at work you spent most of Christmas morning burying the family dog and the afternoon burying your nan. That’ll stop them telling you about their day.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
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Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will wake up with your pillow smelling strangely of Jupiter’s balls.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re starting the year as you mean to go on – bilious, drunk, surrounded by chocolate and tinsel. High-five, big man.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve been feeling run-down for several weeks now. While it might be that virus that’s going around or lack of fresh vegetables, the crystal meth could also be a factor.