Pope Says Child Abuse The Same As Using The Wrong Cutlery

SEXUALLY abusing a child is as sinful as eating soup with a dessert spoon, Pope Benedict confirmed last night.

So now you know

Launching the latest edition of The Vatican’s Quarterly Guide to Sinning, the Pope said that God would take up to three years to forgive those who misused cutlery, placing it in the same ‘Sin Basket’ as underage sodomy.

The Pontiff said: “I’ve arranged all the major sins in a series of handy baskets. The top basket is things like condoms and abortion and women having thoughts.

“The next basket is certain kinds of war and being a bit shy with the old collection plate. And down here in the 24th basket is child buggery and spoon ignorance.

“That doesn’t mean that spoon ignorance is okay, it just means that if you are, for instance, a priest and you get stuck into a bowl of Scotch broth with the spoon that was positioned at the top of the place setting at right angles to the knife and fork, then there’s only so much we can do to protect you.”

He added: “Men who use the wrong cutlery have simply lost their way on the path to God. And we also have to remember that, in the right light, a dessert spoon can be incredibly sexy.”

Outlining the latest sin formulas, the Pope said that child violation equalled three parking tickets or two consecutive weeks of putting paper and plastic in the same recycling bag.

Meanwhile, the Church is now offering an exchange rate of three acts of paedophilia to one act of fly-tipping.