A NEW graduate tax will see those bothered to turn up,
good degree and a lucrative career pay a higher rate than the likes of
Business secretary Vince Cable said the tax would only work if those who made any kind of effort at university were willing to take some of the financial burden off the stinking, pissed-up arseholes who wasted everyone’s time.
He added: “It is a central tenet of Liberal Democrat philosophy that the harder you work, the more tax you should pay.”
Edinburgh graduate Tom Logan, now deputy chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “When I was taking exactly the same courses and being taught in exactly the same way as my classmates, the knowledge did go into my brain in a way that reeked of privilege.
“I obviously gave myself an unfair advantage by actually reading what was on the list, studying until 3am and getting a first and so it’s only right that someone like me should pay a higher rate of graduate tax than a guy who who spends three years with a bong up his arse before going on to work for some shitty marketing company.”
UCL gradate Helen Archer, now a European vice-president of Vodafone, said: “Mr Cable has made me realise that the university was not providing me with a straightforward educational service, it was in fact handing me a gold-plated passport to a life of magnificent everything and all I had to do in exchange was work my fucking arse off for three years.
“Tesco should really be charging me twice as much for the same bag of satsumas as people who are not as clever and hard working as me, because, after all, I can afford it.”
She added: “D’you think maybe it’s time we installed one of those big digital counters in Picadilly Circus to record the ever increasing number of people who have just realised that Vince Cable is actually full of shit?”