Graduates Who Earn More To Be Taxed For Turning Up To Lectures

A NEW graduate tax will see those bothered to turn up,
get a
good degree and a lucrative career pay a higher rate than the likes of

Business secretary Vince Cable said the tax would only work if those who made any kind of effort at university were willing to take some of the financial burden off the stinking, pissed-up arseholes who wasted everyone’s time.

He added: “It is a central tenet of Liberal Democrat philosophy that the harder you work, the more tax you should pay.”

Edinburgh graduate Tom Logan, now deputy chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “When I was taking exactly the same courses and being taught in exactly the same way as my classmates, the knowledge did go into my brain in a way that reeked of privilege.

“I obviously gave myself an unfair advantage by actually reading what was on the list, studying until 3am and getting a first and so it’s only right that someone like me should pay a higher rate of graduate tax than a guy who who spends three years with a bong up his arse before going on to work for some shitty marketing company.”

UCL gradate Helen Archer, now a European vice-president of Vodafone, said: “Mr Cable has made me realise that the university was not providing me with a straightforward educational service, it was in fact handing me a gold-plated passport to a life of magnificent everything and all I had to do in exchange was work my fucking arse off for three years.

“Tesco should really be charging me twice as much for the same bag of satsumas as people who are not as clever and hard working as me, because, after all, I can afford it.”

She added: “D’you think maybe it’s time we installed one of those big digital counters in Picadilly Circus to record the ever increasing number of people who have just realised that Vince Cable is actually full of shit?”


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Starving Africans Looking Forward To Live Aid Drama

MALNOURISHED people across Africa have vowed to crawl to their nearest television to watch the BBC’s dramatisation of Live Aid.

The lavish, multi-million production saw hundreds of Africans flown over for filming before being returned to their landmine-strewn villages.

The BBC aslo rebuilt the massive Ethiopian refugee camps in their Shepperton studios by importing real Ethiopian dust and tin shanties, while the Dr Who special effects team has recreated the famous footage of the emaciated baby using state-of-the-art animatronics.

Meanwhile the starving mother will be a rare acting role for a blacked-up Cheryl Cole.

Producer Charlie Reeves said: “This is the story of the chalk and cheese relationship between Bob Geldof and Harvey Goldsmith, set against a backdrop of biblical suffering and civil war.

“We had a great time filming those famous scenes in the camps, and at one stage the actor playing Michael Buerk dropped the robot baby on its head.

“That thing cost eighty grand to make, but we all fell about laughing.”

Rwandan orphan Mto Ngalo said: “The very second I’ve finished looking for beans in this pile of dung I’m going to walk the 3400 miles to the nearest Dixons and watch it through the window.”

He added: “In my country Bob Geldof has been revered since the release of the first Boomtown Rats album. By the time of Live Aid he was viewed as almost a living god, and not just by himself.

“It’s good to know that in these difficult economic times, when malaria medicine and antibiotics can often cost a month’s wages, the BBC can still make quality drama. I just hope my untreated cataracts don’t prevent me from appreciating what I am sure will be some towering performances.”