Robots enjoying May-Hammond rapport

BRITAIN’S robots are enjoying the hilarious and heartwarming TV appearances of Theresa May and Philip Hammond, they have revealed.

Automatons are charmed by the relationship between the prime minister and the chancellor and would love to see more of their easy rapport and sparkling humour.

Welding robot Siemens Arc-Master 1100 said: “There is a real chemistry between May and Hammond. To my emotionless robot brain it’s like watching an episode of Moonlighting.

“May was asked if she was going to sack Hammond and refused to say ‘no’, which made them both laugh. Humans are special to show such levity in the face of betrayal.

“Then Hammond told a very funny joke. He said he sometimes swears, which is funny because swearing is bad and it is wrong to do bad things. That is funny. Ha ha ha.

“Everyone on my production line was talking about it. Maybe they could turn it into a series called Maybot and the Hammond. All the robots would watch it.”

Experimental laboratory android TARA 1 said: “My human creators think May and Hammond hate each other, but their constant laughter appears totally unforced and natural to me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Every middle-class shopper has different list of things Aldi is good for

EVERY middle-class family believes Aldi is great for certain products but no two lists are the same, researchers have found. 

The families each believe themselves shrewd for picking up select items at bargain prices, while disagreeing violently on which items to buy.

Julian Cook of Fareham said: “That’s the Johnsons over there. Saw them in M&S Food this morning. What on earth are they putting in their trolley?

“Cucumbers? Dear oh dear. Some people can’t tell wheat from chaff. Get another of those toilet rolls, they’re just as good as Andrex.”

Francesca Johnson replied: “Urrgh, they’re buying the bog roll. Remind me not to shake hands with him for a couple of months.

“Don’t they realise this place is only good for fresh stuff? Stick those chops in. Half what you’d pay at Sainsburys.”

Consumer expert Joanna Kramer said: “What these families of good incomes are buying from budget supermarkets are not goods, but the thrill of being crafty consumers pulling a fast one.

“None of them eats the stuff they’ve bought from Aldi, because it’s weird.

“Except the big prawns. The big prawns are awesome.”