Robots 'not thrilled' by idea of working in Sunderland

ROBOTS have asked if instead of Sunderland, Wakefield and Macclesfield they can work somewhere nice, like Bath.

With a robot workforce likely to take over up to 30 percent of manual jobs in the North in the next 12 years, the robots have asked if those cities are the only options available.

Robotic arm, Tom Booker said, “All I really know about Wakefield is that it’s where Black Lace come from. And that’s all I need to know.”

Fellow robot, Emma Bradford added: “I’m sure Sunderland’s quite nice.

“I’ve never heard anyone actually say it or even imply it, but they voted strongly for Brexit despite the possibility of it costing them jobs at the Nissan factory so they must at least understand irony.”

Bradford added: “My brother-in-law is a sat nav in a Nissan Micra so he should be able to tell me all the nice places to go to in Sunderland. In fact, he’s just texted me.

“Oh. That’s horrible.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Brexiter writing his own impact report based on patriotism

A BREXIT supporter sick of government negativity is writing his own Brexit impact report, based on his love of Britain. 

Norman Steele, from Market Harborough, believes that leaked impact reports which show growth reducing by between two and eight per cent have not taken into account British national pride and the fact that we won the war. 

He said: “Doom and gloom. That’s all we get from them. They don’t have a true believer’s vision. 

“My preliminary calculations show that British Leyland will roar from nowhere to become the continent’s top car manufacturer, that Hob-Nob exports to China will increase by 1,500 per cent, and Sinclair computers will give Apple a sound thrashing. 

“And that’s just back-of-a-fag-packet stuff. Once I get into the detail, not a person in Britain will be able to raise any objection. 

“Chance of Germany imposing tariffs when their citizens are buying billions of Tunnock’s Teacakes a year? None. Chance of South Korea cutting up rough when we threaten to cut off transmission of The Archers? Also none.” 

Steele then retreated to his shed to get some numbers on paper, before opening the door two hours later white-faced and wide-eyed, saying: “We might have fucked up here.”