Russell Brand Is Currently Having Sex With You

RUSSELL Brand is having furtive, unsatisfying sex with you right now, it has emerged.

Scientists say Brand's penis has achieved a quantum level of sexual activity, enabling it to nuzzle every human orifice simultaneously.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Planck's Constant states that when a libido is allowed to host the MTV awards for no reason whatsoever, it can instantaneously exist at every point in the universe.

"Even as I say this, he's leering over my shoulder asking me if it feels good in there. And, of course, it doesn't. It really, really doesn't."

The universality of Brand's penis was the side-effect from an experiment that involved firing a pair of his stained leopard-skin briefs into a remaindered copy of 'My Booky Wook' at the speed of light in a bid to erase the autobiography from time and space.

Professor Brubaker added: "Simply burning every copy would not have been enough. We have to come up with a safe, laboratory-tested method of ensuring it never existed in the first place."

Cosmologists say Brand's poly-dimensional genitalia enables him to single-handedly have a foursome with a woman all by himself, while making a very bad film at the same time.

Nikki Hollis, a female from Doncaster, said: "He was literally all over me at every point of time and space during the filming of that piece of shit where he plays a pop star.

"Although given the current half-life of Russell's pudenda, I had to use an atomic clock to time the whole thing."

Brand said last night: "I'm so 'umbly sorry that me dinkleberries appear to 'ave exhibited wave/testicle duality.

"It's a right old palaver."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Come And See Our Hot Lesbians, Says Swindon

SWINDON is a hotbed of unbridled lesbian sex, the town’s borough council claimed last night.

The Wiltshire town has unveiled a multi-million campaign to establish itself as Britain’s answer to Chako Paul City, the mythical Swedish town filled with 25,000 beautiful lesbians that men say simply has to exist.

A council spokesman said: “Our lesbians are totally uninhibited and can’t resist stripping off and caressing each other’s taut bodies in the street.

“Just a minute ago I saw a pair of them going at it on the bench outside Poundstretcher, soon attracting a dozen or so more who arrived clutching cans of whipped cream and a big bag of courgettes.

“Many of our local lesbians wear school or nurse uniforms, while others prefer to dress as 80s-style warrior princesses with chainmail bikinis and massive rubber swords.  I’m thinking Beastmaster or maybe Red Sonja with Brigitte Neilsen.”

He added: “And while the lesbian sexual debauchery never ends in Swindon, the town also boasts an excellent railway history museum, a Debenhams and one of Europe’s largest roundabouts.”

But some local residents insist the promotional leaflets, which feature the slogan ‘Lez go to Swindon’ and cut-out images of the actresses from Young Emmanuelle superimposed over an aerial shot of Swindon’s burgeoning industrial park, are misleading.

Bill McKay, a retired policeman, said: “It’s nonsense, there’s never been any lesbians in Swindon, apart from that quiet librarian who wore flat shoes, but she moved away after some kids set fire to her shed.”

Despite the controversy, several other UK boroughs have been quick to follow suit with similar campaigns, including ‘Winchester – One Massive Orgy’ and ‘Luton: The Town Where Breasts are Made’.