Scientists Are Arrogant Pricks, Claim Africans

LEADING Africans provoked outrage last night by claiming that Western scientists showed a natural predisposition towards being pricks.

Nobel prize winners Archbishop Desmond Tutu and former UN secretary general Kofi Annan said there was now a substantial body of evidence to suggest scientists were genetically inclined towards being self-satisfied, sociopathic weirdos.

In an interview for BBC1's Andrew Marr Reads the Papers, Archbishop Tutu said: "For years we have grappled with the question of why no-one likes scientists. Why are they such pricks?

"Is it their creepy Middle Earth fetish, or their strange, adolescent attitude to women? Perhaps it's their uncanny ability to suck the fun right out of a room?

"Personally, I believe it's because they think they can spout whatever horseshit crosses their minds and then stand back and say, 'I'm a scientist, don't you know'."

Mr Annan added: "You can't simply ignore the genetic evidence. If it's telling us that scientists are total pricks then we may have to rethink how we deal with them.

"Perhaps we should limit their grants, otherwise they might spend it on researching things like the most efficient way to tie your shoelaces, or why toast always lands butter-side down.

"Oh wait, they're doing that already aren't they, the bunch of COCKSUCKERS!"

Nobel-prize winning geneticist James Watson described the comments as 'offensive', adding: "They're Africans – what do you expect?"

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British Dinner Parties On Brink Of Collapse, Says IMF

THE International Monetary Fund last night issued its starkest warning yet that British dinner parties were vastly overvalued and on the brink of a devastating collapse.

Being invited to dinner by someone you would not speak to if their kids were not at school with yours is not fun and will result in you being force fed Chicken Kiev with blood in it, and a crème brulee that smells of cat sick, the IMF said.

Meanwhile, listening to a drunk man who claims to be a socialist pretend he is embarrassed his house is worth half a million pounds before staring at your wife’s tits during dessert is a tremendously shit way to spend a Saturday night.

Bill McKay, chief economist at the IMF, said: “Why should I care if you get your beef from that amazing organic butcher your chiropracter told you about?

“All I know is you bought your starter from Waitrose, your kids are foul, and your taste in music is totally fucked-up .

“Have you ever thought of talking about something other than how hard you work, how much you are worth, and how fucking great you are? Especially as we all know your alcoholic wife is at it with the Polish au pair.

“Why should I have to waste ten minutes of my life listening to a twat in plastic glasses tell me how you discovered this cheese on a walking holiday in the Spanish Pryenees when all I want is to eat something that doesn’t stink like a goat’s end?”

Mr McKay said the only glimmer of hope was next year’s total wipe-out in the British property market which would, “shut-up all those smug bastards who've spent the last five years boasting about their property investments, and hopefully drive most of them into bankruptcy”.

Alistair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, said: “I really must stop shitting myself.”