Scientists confirm four pints is best amount of beer

FOUR pints is the best amount of beer to drink, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that four pints of ale or lager allows the drinker to forget most of their problems and feel generally pleasant, but still function the next day.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Any less than four pints and the evening is essentially pointless.

“Subjects in the ‘one’ and ‘two’ pint test groups were boring, and ‘three’ just went to the toilet more than usual.

“Five is reasonable too if you don’t have work the next day. You’ll suffer for it though.”

He added: “These are only guidelines. Just go with whatever number of pints feels right for you.”

However drinker Wayne Hayes said: “What about those times when you feel pissed off one pint, or you can’t get drunk no matter how much you drink? And crisps, what if you’re eating a lot of crisps?

“Science never takes crisps into account.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I am deeply sorry for whatever it was that happened to you, whoever you are


The thing that happened to you, or to that person you knew or are related to, is terrible.

Very terrible.

The other day I was at a drinks reception with some top flight people. They had prawns the size of a man’s fist.

I’m very sorry for what it is that happened to you, and want you to know I would be making this call even if some people hadn’t told me to make the call. Or, more accurately, handed me the phone and said ‘speak into this, say the words written down on this piece of paper, and only those words’.

Have you ever seen a prawn as big as a man’s fist? You wouldn’t think they’d be tender, but they are. Very, very tender. They had dipping sauce too.

I hope you can come to terms with your loss. I lost a cufflink recently. It was a gift from a billionaire. Studded with high quality jewels. Shiny. Maybe it’ll turn up.

Anyway, where were we? Prawns. Very tender. Juicy.

I need to go now, there are people waving at me. Is it time to have my feeding tube put in?

It’s been a real honour for you to speak with me.