Couple in long deathly silence after deciding to stop moaning

A LONG period of uncomfortable silence is ongoing after a couple decided to stop moaning. 

Regular married man Stephen Malley said: “I was really, really tired and had a sore neck. My wife was also complaining of a sore neck and similar level tiredness, although clearly she wasn’t as tired as me.

“Having reached a complaining stalemate my wife Alice suggested we make a pact to stop moaning forever.

“I thought we would be fine. That was four days ago. Not a word has been uttered since. Without moaning we have nothing.”

Alice Malley said: “I thought our relationship was built on love and a mutual fascination with the world around us. Now I discover its based on finding each other and most things really, really annoying.”

Stephen Malley added: “I heard some jazz and thought, lovely, I’ll discuss that with Alice but then I saw she had left a wet towel on the bed and also the broadband wasn’t working.

“I just went in the other room and sat in a chair.”

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Telling people you take Viagra now less awkward than saying you voted for Brexit

IT IS now less embarrassing to tell people you take Viagra than to say you voted for Brexit, according to a new study.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that men saying they voted for Brexit and believe it’s going well created more social awkwardness than those confessing they take blue pills to ‘help with the tired little soldier’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “First, the men chatted about the weather and the football and of course, real ale.

“And then, one of them dropped in that he had been taking Viagra for a long time now which lead to a short awkward silence followed by some nervous laughter.

“Then, minutes later, the same man also announced that he had voted to leave the EU and felt it was all a huge success.

“This lead to a much more prolonged period of awkward silence and absolutely no laughter. Shortly after the host said ‘I’ll get everyone’s coats’.”

Leave voter and erectile problem sufferer Martin Bishop added: “Now I get ‘the soldier ready for parade’ by watching political situations descend into a shambolic mess, so I don’t even need the little blue guys any more.”