Scientists grow kebab meat on a sheep

GENETICISTS have created a sheep that produces kebab meat, it emerged last night.

Cutting-edge recombinant DNA technology has enabled the creation of Nancy, a six-month-old ewe whose flesh is of the same matter popularly known as ‘doner’.

Scientist Stephen Malley said: “Nancy looks and behaves like a normal sheep, just with greyer, greasier skin.

“But when we humanely removed slivers of flesh from her back, cooked them intermittently on a spike for several weeks then ate them from a dough pocket with a bit of everything from the laboratory salad bar, the taste was unmistakeable doner.

“Kind of salty and fatty, with a hint of more salt and more fat.”

He added: “Animal-grown kebab has long been the holy grail of the food science community. In 10 years’ time even microwave burgers could contain animal meat.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “As a kebabist I’m not really comfortable with the idea of eating something that comes from an animal.

“I like to know that what’s in my pitta bread comes from the obscure ‘fourth place’ that exists outside the tedious norms of the natural world.

“That said I would probably eat a used car if I were drunk enough and it was coated in medium chilli sauce.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Government praised for pretentious tool prevention

IMMIGRATION regulations keeping the country free of artists have been welcomed by people who are not dicks.

Border agency paperwork that flummoxes beret-wearing pseuds that use words like ‘dialectic’ is stopping them from infesting London’s cafes, according to an open letter signed by Salman Rushdie, Bridget Riley and dozens of other people who are dicks.

Rushdie said: “Just the other month me and eight of my friends were denied the pleasure of watching a Czech artist drape the walls of a Mayfair ‘space’ with old pages from the Littlewoods catalogue.

“All because of the petty bureaucracy designed to keep out an entirely different kind of scrounger, rather than people I want to drink Merlot with and talk about olive farms.”

Immigration officers have reported increasingly desperate examples of artists trying to smuggle themselves into the UK, with an experimental dance troupe recently found in Melvyn Bragg’s luggage and a performance poet disassembled and labelled as livestock feed in a freight lorry at Dover.

A UK Border Agency spokesman said: “We have a points-based system rating the skills a person can bring to the UK and I’m afraid the ability to read a whole Milan Kundera novel without wanting to burn down a library isn’t one of them.

“Short-term visas are awarded to artists on a daily basis and you don’t see the likes of Beyoncé or Johnny Depp being detained at customs, very possibly because people will actually pay money to see them perform.”

Rushdie has vowed to take his complaint further, threatening to write a letter to the prime minister that is an impenetrable 400 pages long, will be read by nobody but will universally be described as brilliant because dicks do not like to look stupid.