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Seething gammons, and others whose screen time should be limited to an hour a day

GOVERNMENT guidance has called for screen time to be limited for children under five. But frankly these other groups could do with some restrictions too.

Seething gammons

Huge chunks of the internet are nothing more than a hate engine powered by outraged, narrow-minded pensioners. Restricting the amount of time they can bark about Meghan in the Mail Online comments section will cool down the culture war and make them realise that voting for Reform UK is probably a bad idea. It’s in the national interest that they’re pacified with a TV that plays Battle of Britain on an endless loop instead.

Dating singletons

Endlessly swiping through apps and realising your low ranking on the dating market is terrible for a person’s wellbeing. Scaling back this activity will get desperate, horny singletons approaching each other in real life again and hopefully reverse the gradual population decline. Either that or it will accelerate it as everyone realises they’ve totally forgotten how to flirt in real life.

Boyfriends who use toilets

Limiting boyfriends with working bowels to an hour of screen time a day will have a dramatic effect on how long they stay on the shitter. The previous average of 40 minutes will be brought crashing down to a tight ten, maximum, as they’re forced to ration out their private scrolling. However women need to be prepared for having to spend more time with their terminally boring partners as a result.

Social media influencers

True, social media influencers are going through a tough time at the minute after being driven from their homeland in Dubai. But cutting back their screen time is the next step in rehabilitating them into becoming useful, functional members of society. We will no longer need them to upload challenge videos or record sponsored reviews, and it would be really useful if they could start building houses instead. In fact why not make it compulsory?

Everyone else, realistically

Nobody is truly immune to the damaging effects of gawping at a screen 24/7. Putting a cap on it will shield young boys from the manosphere, prevent mothers from getting radicalised by Mumsnet, and protect your budget from late night eBay purchases. Upon doing so, society will soon revert to wholesome analogue pleasures, like getting shitfaced and having affairs.

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Iran launches one-point 'You'll f**k off eventually' plan for peace

IRAN has countered the US 15-point peace plan with a single-point plan of its own, in which it does nothing and waits for its opponent to leave.

The plan is based on close observation of US wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam where the invaded country found all it had to do was remain there indefinitely and US forces would not.

An Iranian spokesman said: “A single point seems well-suited to the current president’s attention span, provided he has someone to talk him through it.

“But the genius of our plan is that is does not require the agreement of both parties. It remains valid whether the US occupies Kharg Island, lands paratroopers or dispatches a crack Delta Force team to penetrate our bunkers. Whatever. You’ll f**k off eventually.

“In previous US adventurism, the plan would have been broken down into two parts: one, the US goes, two, the allies who fell for this being a long-term project with a proper outcome go. But there is no complication with allies on this one!

“We will continue to control the Strait of Hormuz because it runs along 100 miles of our coastline. We will not replace our government with a pro-Western one and if forced to we would change it back the moment you left.”

The US is expected to reject the peace plan entirely while tacitly accepting it in full, given time.

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