Signal from distant star an invitation to LinkedIn

ASTRONOMERS have confirmed the existence of semi-intelligent alien life with the discovery of an interstellar LinkedIn message.

The invite came from a star in the Hercules constellation and included a request to swap notes on ‘new and exciting ways’ of using Powerpoint.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “This proves that we are not alone in the universe but we will probably spend a lot of time pretending we are.

“I’d always dreamt that first contact would be a sublime moment of consciousness meeting consciousness across the inky void of space but instead I’m going to have to pretend I haven’t checked my telescope for messages.”

The race is now on to develop a spam filter for messages from distant planets to avoid other alien civilisations thinking humans are an easy touch and bombarding Earth with special offers for Wowcher and 38 Degrees petitions to sign.

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Common people doing nasty horrid things in Magaluf

BEASTLY common people in Magaluf are simply horrid, it has been claimed.

The island is currently overrun with nasty, vulgar working class people who are either rutting, punching each other or jumping up and down to so-called ‘grime’ music.

Sensible middle class person Emma Bradford said: “It is horrible, just horrible. I feel sorry for the poor locals, who would probably rather be running small handicrafts shops than massive nightclubs with eight-figure turnovers.

“Look at them all, with their big necks and Ralph Lauren polo shirts. I’d recommend we don’t let them back in the country except I need some manual labourers to build an extension on my house.

“The teeming mass of oiks will tonight descend on the Booty Palace nightclub for a performance by MC Squonky and DJ Beastface, or something dreadful like that. Then they will ride mopeds around being frightening.”

Dentist Tom Booker said: “They seem to have this twisted idea of fun that involves getting drunk and having sex, rather than renting a farmhouse in Tuscany and quietly nibbling local cheeses.

“The girls are fit though.”